Kirtzono

"I have dreamt"

2012-02-08T21:39:00.000-05:00

In the course of writing this blog, I have been in contact with many parents and their children. About eighteen months ago a young man wrote me and asked for advice as to how to finally tell his parents he is gay. Since that time we have been corresponding on a regular basis. He is bright and articulate. He has since initiated his own blog, entitled "Chalamti: I have dreamt."

With his permission, I have copied one of his most recent posts.

You can read more at chalamti.blogspot.com.

Enjoy.

SD

With every movement there is an unspoken, unwritten history that tends to be forgotten. The gay rights movement—and specifically the movement for recognition within the Orthodox Jewish community—is no different. Over the past few years there has been an amazing amount of attention to gay and lesbian individual. We have been the subject of panel discussions, video documentaries, op-eds and rabbinical statements. And we have seen progress within the Modern Orthodox community. People know, even if they cannot understand, that it is difficult to be gay and religious. Some have even begun to press for recognition of gay relationships. The forgotten individuals in our stories are our parents.

Obviously, I cannot tell you about the struggles that a parent faces when they discover or are informed of their child’s sexuality because I have not lived on that side of the story. I imagine that some wish their child was heterosexual. Others, if faced with a child who shirks religion in favor of comfort with her sexual identity, may pray that their child find a place in the fold of religious observance. When I came out to my father he was accepting (I was shocked) but disappointed that I would never have the chance to raise a family as he did. My mother wished (wishes? I’m not sure) that I would one day wake up and realize my heterosexuality. They both love me for who I am, but I don’t think they expected or anticipated my homosexuality while raising me.

It is not easy being gay, but it must be hard to know that your child is treated like a second class citizen and condemned by many in society. Little networking or support exists to unify and strengthen these parents in the challenges they face. In the past I’ve mentioned Tmicha, an e-mail list-serve that attempts to do exactly this. I’ve also linked to a blog the documents these struggles. But is this enough? While we protect and fight for our own recognition, we gays and lesbians must also ensure that our parents are shielded from the unfortunate small-mindedness that permeates our society. We must applaud those parents who accept and support us and we must understand those who currently unable to reach this enlightened level of being.

I am grateful for my parents and impressed by the positive energy I have seen emanate from some other parents I know

"No parent should have to bury their child." - Theoden

2011-06-06T18:00:00.000-04:00

The first entry of this blog was titled "A Family Changed Forever." I wrote about how our dreams have been shattered and the change that has hit our family.

But everything pales in comparison to the loss of a child. Over the last few days we have been mourning as friends, as family and as a community, as we were struck with the news of the untimely death of a 28 year old man, just three weeks before his wedding.

There are no answers. There are only questions.

It is the ultimate test of faith.

Over the last 12 months I can count at least five times that I personally know, of a parent who had to bury their child .

It is not natural.

On another note........

I have not had anything to write since February when I discussed the establishment of a parents' group. I have been asked by several parents about this group. Unfortunately, I was not asked nor was I involved with setting up this group. Before it got off the ground, I suggested that it be held under the banner of "Kirtzono" but those who were involved did not agree. As such, it was set up as a closed parents group. Its membership numbers 19, including my wife and I. There have been only a few discussions and the last time anyone wrote into it was two months ago.

The google group is called Temicha and you have to be invited. Please send an email to rabbi.sarna@gmail.com. He will send you an invitation to join the group.

Ironic? No? These young men and women want to be heard and accepted and we parents are hiding behind a google group.

Boy am I going to get @#%& for this one.

Be well and let's hug our kids. Who knows what's in store for any of us.

Saul David

"If you build it, they will come."

2011-02-22T21:28:00.000-05:00

On December 15, 2010, I posted a letter from a mother who suggested the following.......

Thus, I make a modest proposal that this blog serve as a way for parents to make contact with one another, to establish a buddy system so that no parent feels s/he is alone following the disclosure that a child is gay. Perhaps we can develop a pairing of parents, so to speak, who are willing to communicate with one another. The questions, the problems, the comforts of a shared experience are ours to offer to one another in a context of sensitivity, religious commitment, empathy and concern for our children. We need to be supportive of our children, but we too need support and comfort. This can be done with a therapist of course, and that is a good option for many parents and family members. But less intense help can also come from another parent who has been in our shoes. Perhaps there are parents who are willing to write or speak to someone just beginning the road to acceptance and understanding. And perhaps parents who feel they would benefit from this kind of anonymous and discreet contact can write into the blog and find that other family who is willing to show them support and help them deal with the challenge of living with the knowledge that they have a gay child.

Well this letter sparked some movement in a positive direction. I received a comment from Erez, suggesting that a listserve be created. A few weeks later, I received a call from a New York psychiatrist offering her services if such a group would start to "meet'. My son relayed a message from a young rabbi in New York who is willing to be a moderator and a few other health professionals and parents have agreed to get involved in setting something up.

The goal is to be up and running in the next few weeks.

Be well.

Saul David

"The Torah was not given to the ministering angels." - Me'ilah 14a

2011-02-02T21:31:00.000-05:00

There is so much we have learned over the last few years.

In terms of friends, relatives and the support they offer we always felt that it was important to acknowledge and speak about the fact that our son is gay. There are some people who we told and there are others who heard about it, and we were aware of the fact that they knew about it. Knowing this, we expected them to say something, anything, to acknowledge this new reality.

One family in particular said nothing to us, yet we knew that they knew. It was just recently that we asked why they had never mentioned anything to us. Their response was that there was no need to, since it didn't matter and nothing is any different.

This evening I received a letter from our friend.

SD

I would like to relate a story that illustrates how reading your blog and knowing you and your family has made me a better and more caring physician and human being.

A 15 year old patient, let’s call her Joan, whom I have known for almost 10 years, recently came to see me for a follow up appointment together with her mother. During the appointment Joan revealed that she recently came out to her parents that she was transgendered. Joan also informed me that she was now going by John and preferred to be considered male. From then on I felt completely comfortable calling him John.

He described in detail how he had come out on the internet the previous year and how he was so nervous to confide in his parents. It turns out his mother is very supportive but his father is not. His parents are divorced and his father is not coping well. They are Reform Jews and their Rabbi has been extremely supportive. The one thing his mother is having difficulty with is calling him John. When I asked her why, she told me that she adopted a baby girl and now she no longer has that girl. She explained that she knows that John is happier now that he has come out and she will get used to calling him John and loves him as she always has.

Over the years John was teased and bullied and depressed and I did not really know why. He described to me being very upset when his breasts began to develop and how he went on the internet to learn to tape them flat and ultimately made a video which was posted on the internet and has helped others.

We discussed hormonal therapy which he called “T”, his name for testosterone, and the possibility of surgery down the road. Needless to say the appointment went on a great deal longer than the scheduled 30 minutes. He left having had an opportunity to talk freely and openly with his physician and I felt that I was able to provide them support and guidance.

So how does this relate to the blog and knowing you and your family? I am embarrassed to say that 3 years ago had John and his mother come to see me, my response would have been different and my ability to truly understand what they were going through would have been woefully inadequate. I would have been the typical physician by saying the”right” things but thinking that there was something that could be done to change the situation and make it more “normal”. I would have been supportive but would not have been confident in having a frank and open discussion and giving meaningful advice and counseling.

Reading the blog and knowing your son and your family has made me a more informed, non judgmental and caring physician. I have always known that in Medicine the more you learn, the more you realize you do not know, but the added dimension for me has been to more clearly recognize my deficiencies as a physician in dealing with families and patients whose sexual orientation is not the same as mine. I now truly feel more knowledgeable and I am able to impart that knowledge to my peers and colleagues and most importantly be a better physician to my patients and their families. I have directed a number of my colleagues to your blog. I have made a special point of ensuring that my fellow Jewish Orthodox physicians read the blog and then, in follow up discussions have seen that in most cases they too have learned and hopefully become better physicians to their patients.

You and your family are a great source of strength to many people and you have taught me that we can, and should, all be advocates to the best of our ability in our own unique way.

Be well, my friend.

"I'm innocent. You've got to believe I'm innocent." - Richard M. Nixon

2011-01-17T11:53:00.000-05:00

So when you finally reach out to your rabbi after a few days of emotional hell, and he tells you that you should turn to an organization like JONAH, ask him if there is a moral or ethical dilemma in the fact that neither JONAH nor NARTH are actually legitimate counselling organizations. In fact JONAH is headed by a known and convicted felon, while NARTH, the organization that JONAH derives its strength from is nothing more than a right-wing Christian organization.

Do they even realize who they are getting involved with?

It gets better. Read on.........

Dr. George Alan Rekers has resigned from his position as sitting board member of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), following allegations that he received erotic massages from a male prostitute.

Rekers, an anti-gay activist for decades, took a 10 day European vacation with a male escort he met on the gay site, Rent Boy.com.

20 year old Jo-Vanni Roman (called in his work, “Lucien”) is a gay escort who says they met through the explicit website Rentboy.com.

Rekers denied the accusations, claiming he he hired Roman to help carry his luggage while he recovered from surgery. He said he only found out Roman was an escort partway through the trip, and tried as a Christian minister to turn the youth from homosexuality.

NARTH's Response to the media scandal:

In response to the media scandal, begun by the Miami New Times, and later picked up by the Miami Herald, FOX, CNN, MSNBC, The Rachel Maddow Show, Anderson Cooper, and many others, NARTH has posted the following on their official website:

"I am immediately resigning my membership in NARTH to allow myself the time necessary to fight the false media reports that have been made against me. With the assistance of a defamation attorney, I will fight these false reports because I have not engaged in any homosexual behavior whatsoever. I am not gay and never have been." --George A. Rekers, Ph.D.

NARTH has accepted Dr. Rekers' resignation and would hope that the legal process will sufficiently clarify the questions that have arisen in this unfortunate situation. We express our sincere sympathy to all individuals, regardless of their perspective, who have been injured by these events. We also wish to reiterate our traditional position that these personal controversies do not change the scientific data, nor do they detract from the important work of NARTH. NARTH continues to support scientific research, and to value client autonomy, client self-determination and client diversity.

By the way, if you go to the "rentboy" site, there is no way that you can confuse this.

Be well.

Saul David

"People should be judged not by their outward demeanor but by their works, for many in sheep's clothing do the work of wolves." - Laurentius Abstemius, 15th Century

2011-01-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

The same thing seems to occur each time a young man tells his parents that he is gay. Having no one to turn to, the parents consult their rabbi. The rabbi, having very little experience in this area of pastoral counselling, listens to the parents and advises them to get in touch with JONAH. This ends a somewhat uncomfortable encounter for the parents and the rabbi. The parents leave the rabbi's study thinking that maybe their problem might be solved.

I recently visited my son. He introduced me to his friend Erez Harari, a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology. This young gentleman was invited to speak last June at the convention of the Association of Orthodox Jewish Scientists on a panel discussion centering on "reparative therapy." Unfortunately, all hell broke loose a week before the convention took place because a video was released on youtube by two young men who went for counselling at JONAH and were forced to undress by the so-called "therapist". As a result, the panel was cancelled and Mr. Harari was asked not to attend. At the last minute, under the sponsorship of Rabbi Tendler, the head of JONAH, was invited to speak. So what was to be an open panel discussion turned into a tendential, unscientific speech by the head of a pseudo-scientific organization.

It's time to "out" JONAH.

Be well.

Saul David

A joint investigation by the organization Truth Wins Out and the SouthFloridaGayNews.com has revealed that the spokesperson for a New Jersey based national religious group seeking to ‘cure’ homosexuals is a convicted felon who has been hiding his past.

The leader of JONAH, Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality, Arthur Abba Goldberg, is now also serving as President of his Jersey City temple. He was sent to federal prison 20 years ago for a conspiracy to defraud the United States of America.

Additionally, Goldberg is presently the Executive Secretary of NARTH- the National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. The group hopes to heal “unwanted homosexuality” through “therapeutic care.”

One more group he supervises is PATH- Positive Alternatives to Homosexuality- a coalition of religious, ministerial, and ex-gay groups promoting “non-gay alternatives to homosexual lifestyles.” He is their President.

Goldberg, who reinvented himself in 2000 as the founder of JONAH, was found guilty in 1989 of numerous felonies in multiple jurisdictions. The charges ranged from federal mail and wire fraud to conspiracy counts as a result of a bogus bond writing scheme.

Goldberg was sentenced to eighteen months imprisonment in the Central District of California, which he served concurrently with a an Illinois sentence imposed at the same time. It was followed by five years of supervised probation and a $100,000 fine, eventually paid on November 24, 1999.

K. William O’Connor, the U.S. attorney who put him away, said at his sentencing that Goldberg was “a man who habitually took advantage of people who were economically dependent upon him; that he did not hesitate to lie or cheat or cover up to achieve his criminal aim. His greed has cause incalculable harm...”

Goldberg’s arrest and conviction rocked Wall Street when it went down two decades ago. A purported whiz kid and investment guru, he had been often referred to on the Street as “Abba Dabba Do” and “Abba Cadabra.”

Those names and that past were all secreted when Goldberg founded JONAH after getting out of prison. Abandoning the conspicuously identifiable middle name of ‘Abba’, Goldberg authored a book for Red Heifer Press under the name of ‘Arthur Goldberg.’

Titled “Light in the Closet: Torah, Homosexuality, and the Power to Change,” Goldberg re-created himself as an author and spiritual leader, purporting to help individuals struggling with their sexual identity, telling gays “you can change.” He certainly did.

“We have long considered Arthur Goldberg a con-artist, but our investigation shows he is also an ex-con,” said Wayne Besen, Executive Director of Truth Wins Out.

“His diabolical past mirrors his dishonest present-day work with JONAH. Whether it was shady deals on Wall Street or shading the truth on gay issues, Goldberg is someone who lacks credibility and can’t be trusted,” said Besen.

“The Torah is the Book of Truth,” Besen concluded, “and Goldberg has now delivered us a book of lies.”

Born in 1940, Arthur Abba Goldberg identified himself his entire life by using all three of his names, at least until he got out of prison and started JONAH.

The TWO and SFGN investigation into his past revealed that when he authored articles for the American University Eagle in 1961 as an undergraduate, his byline was ‘Arthur Abba Goldberg.’

When he received his bachelor’s degree from American University in 1962 and his law degree in 1965 from Cornell University, the diplomas were given to ‘Arthur Abba Goldberg.’

When he authored land use articles for the Urban Law Journal in the early 1970’s as a young lawyer it was under the name of ‘Arthur Abba Goldberg.’

It was also under the name ‘Arthur Abba Goldberg’ that he was admitted to the New Jersey and Connecticut Bar Associations, and it was under that name he served as the executive vice president directing Matthews & Wright, Inc., a New York underwriting firm, in which he was a major stockholder.

It was in the capacity as shareholder and vice president that Goldberg orchestrated a scheme of selling $2 billion in fraudulent municipal bonds for communities ranging from the impoverished city of East St. Louis to Chester, Pennsylvania, to the West Pacific U.S. territory of Guam.

The stories of his criminal acts were methodically detailed in the Philadelphia Inquirer, a paper based near the Chester community scammed severely by the fraud.

It was under the name of ‘Arthur Abba Goldberg’ that a United States grand jury on Guam indicted him in late 1987 on 52 counts of bribery, fraud, and conspiracy.

On September 26, 1989, ‘Arthur Abba Goldberg’ pled guilty in the U.S. District Court for the Central District of California to three counts of mail fraud. He was sentenced to 18 months as part of a plea bargain.

The trial had actually been moved to California because so many residents of Guam had been financially harmed by the bogus investment scheme it was thought a fair trial in that venue was impossible.

Goldberg and others also indicted at Matthews & Wright had knowingly conspired together to enter into a fraudulent scheme to sell fake bond issues but take commissions on them anyway. They arranged to bribe officials, deceive investors, and issue bogus checks to non existent parties.

In exchange for underwriting $300 million in bogus deals, Goldberg and his investment firm, Matthews & Wright, received a fee of $10.5 million. They created the impression these bonds would be used to help construct desperately needed single family housing in Guam and elsewhere.

Separately, Goldberg also pleaded guilty in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Illinois to one count of conspiracy to defraud the United States in another falsified bond-writing scheme. In that matter, Goldberg participated in a conspiracy to ensure that the bonds were deemed prematurely to take advantage of a favorable tax law relating to transactions.

The 900 page presentence report prepared by prosecutors prior to his sentencing was scathing. It indicated that Goldberg’s conduct was “knowingly and willfully dishonest and fraudulent.”

K. William O’Connor described Goldberg as having engineered “a conspiratorial fraud of spectacular scope,” which purposefully duped “unsophisticated Pacific Islanders.” One witness against Goldberg said he treated the citizens of Guam as if “they were cannibals.”

O’Connor said that Goldberg’s deceitfulness crippled Guam’s economy, crushed investors, undermined public confidence in the bond industry, and cost the U.S. Treasury millions in lost taxes.

U.S. District Judge Jesse W. Curtis, Jr. then sentenced ‘Arthur Abba Goldberg’ to 18 months in prison, allowing both the Illinois and California sentences to run together. He imposed fines and restitution totaling $400,000, an amount later reduced by an appellate court.

In a separate civil proceeding, the Disciplinary Review Board of the New Jersey State Bar Association recommended taking away his law license. They found “Goldberg’s criminal convictions clearly and convincingly demonstrated his participation in activities that reflected adversely on his honesty, trustworthiness, and fitness as a lawyer.”

The New Jersey Supreme Court then disbarred Goldberg on November 9, 1995, citing his criminal convictions and his “reckless indifference to a conspiracy of considerable magnitude.”

New Jersey’s highest court even noted that “We are aware of respondent’s active involvement in community service and his efforts to resettle numerous immigrants from the former Soviet Union and Eastern Europe.” But, they concluded, “Goldberg’s conscious participation in the illegal activities leading to his criminal convictions outweighs these mitigating factors.”

In his capacity as the Director of JONAH, Goldberg formed and serves as a director of a tax exempt 501(c)(3) charitable corporation, whose website promises that it is “offering hope, compassion, direction and vitally needed information to gay strugglers, their families, friends, and surrounding community.” He formed the group using the name Arthur Goldberg, sans Abba, one month after getting his federal supervision of five years’ probation concluded.

In a 2001 interview not long after he began his religious crusade, Goldberg told the Herald News in Paterson, New Jersey, that homosexuality is the result of “psychological trauma.’ And that “six months to three years of weekly therapy and prayer can cure it.” He did not say anything about whether 18 months in a federal prison might also help.

Today, on the NARTH website, despite his conviction and disbarment, Goldberg proudly holds himself out as a ‘doctor of jurisprudence,’ displaying the title of ‘J.D.’ adjacent to his listing.

NARTH is one of the country’s most vocal critics of the American Psychological Association’s position paper concluding that homosexuality is normal, not aberrational. NARTH advocates the doctrine that homosexuality is a ‘developmental disorder’ and a ‘treatable condition.’

The ‘Jewish State’ is a central New Jersey newsweekly that Goldberg gave an interview to in 2007. He identified himself as a former deputy attorney general and Connecticut law professor, telling the reporter that “gays have been led astray in terms of your authenticity to yourself.” Meanwhile, he failed to disclose his criminal past.

“People are not born gay; there’s no such thing as a gay gene,” he added, complimenting that remark with the statement all gays “can readapt” from “their gender deficiency.” He then said homosexual children should be treated the same way as “if a child was addicted to drugs or alcohol.”

Goldberg is presently living conspicuously as the President of Congregation Mount Sinai in Jersey City. The temple offers itself out as a “welcoming environment for all people to express, deepen and rediscover their Jewish heritage.”

Last year, as a guest in the audience at the end of a Montel Williams show discussing ex-gays, he shouted from the audience at the host, interrupting the show, to say gays needed help. You can see it on You Tube.

“I’ve always been one to try to help the underdog,” he said.

But that is not what Judge Curtis concluded at Goldberg’s sentencing on September 26, 1989.
“I find,” the court stated, “that, Arthur Abba Goldberg, you have openly conspired against the United States by knowingly and recklessly engaging indifferently in a series of dishonest acts of considerable magnitude.”

"I am the mother of an orthodox gay young man."

2010-12-15T09:27:00.001-05:00

I recently received the following letter from a mom. Please read her story. It's all too familiar.

But she has a great idea. Let me know your thoughts.

Be well.

Although in the beginning I felt I lived in an alternative universe, I have learned that my story is not unique. So I send you my story in the form of a letter as a way to connect to other mothers and fathers who are just beginning to navigate the uncharted land we religious parents of gay children inhabit.

I am the mother of an orthodox gay young man who came out to us a few years ago after many years of dealing on his own with the reality of his life. Needless to say, during the years when he was grappling with how he would lead his life while trying to keep it from us, even to protect us, our relationship with him was strained. There was a gulf between us, and while we didn’t suspect the reason for it, it disturbed us greatly. He never wanted to talk about dating, marriage or, in fact, anything that would give us any real information about his life. To every probing question we posed we got a vague response. We suspected that he was no longer religious, but we certainly never suspected he was gay.

Of course he sensed the strain in our relationship. He knew we were concerned about him. But while he wanted to tell us the truth, he worried about what would happen to our family. Could we and would we accept who he really was and embrace him fully?

Finally when the yom tov visits home became intolerable, he had to tell us.
So, on a beautiful, cloudless day that seemed to promise only happy things, he faced me and told me the real reason he had distanced himself from us. It was not a question of observance, but that he was gay. I remember looking at him in shock, not quite sure what I had heard. I was devastated. In that one moment, standing in the sunshine, my world shifted. Any expectation I had ever had for him as a husband and father was shattered. Any notion of who is gay or what kind of family that person would come from was obliterated from my mind. I was shaken and afraid, frightened for my son and what the world held for him, of course, but also frightened because I knew our lives would never be the same. I remember thinking, “How did this happen? How will I ever breathe again?” I certainly didn’t think I would ever stop crying. Sleep evaded me for weeks. No one I knew could relate to this. There was no template for behavior or response in my community for such a revelation. Yet, I loved him, and I knew that whatever the cost to our communal life, or the disconnect we might feel religiously, he was our son, and we would find a way to live with this.

Uncomfortable as we were, we were suddenly talking about all kinds of things. That wall of secrecy was down, and there was a mature adult talking openly about his life. Within a short time, my son told his siblings and they began the work of processing this new information and accepting him. But as good as their acceptance was in forging a more meaningful relationship with him and as happy as we were with the new communication that had opened up among us all, these things didn’t bring relief from the anxiety we faced each day when we would waken yet again to our new reality. And although my son insisted that there are many religious gay people in his world and although he remained observant, the Orthodox world we inhabit was not ready to deal with this openly. We knew no one in the same situation. There was no one we could share this with. And there was grief, a grief we would have to muddle through on our own without the comfort of community. We mourned the expectations and hopes we had to give up; we mourned the loss of our son’s expectations and the years he spent keeping this all to himself, and we dreaded the veil of secrecy that now surrounded our lives.

During the first weeks after my son came out, we read a great deal about homosexuality and Jewish attitudes towards it. It was not encouraging. We spoke to our rabbi who listened with sympathy and without judgment, but offered little help. We had long conversations with our kids, but there was no one else we could confide in. Often, I would start crying while in the middle of some task. I tortured myself with questions, possibilities. What would I do if someone found out? Now that I knew, how should I respond if someone asked me about him? What happens if he gets involved in a long term relationship? How can I live with this?

Yet from the very beginning, a great help in our struggle was the information my son gave us just a few days after he came out. He told us to look at a blog written by an orthodox parent of a gay son. We read the Kirtzono blog from beginning to end that same night, and a new world opened to us. Sad and bereft as we were, we saw we were not completely alone. There was at least one other family facing the challenges that now shaped our lives. Through the blog we connected with Saul David and after several emails, he put us in touch with another family who had recently learned their son was gay. This direct contact allowed us to start a meaningful conversation with each other. Their son had come out to them several months before so they were that much farther ahead in the coping process and could assure me that all the things I felt were normal and that despite the deep sorrow we felt, a day really would come when I would think about other things and be able to talk to my son about ordinary topics, when I wouldn’t cry in the supermarket line or feel desolate as I stood in shul on Shabbat, isolated and mute among my friends.

The knowledge that there are other people with the same issues has made an enormous difference in our lives. Years later we are still writing to one another. We cannot solve each other’s problems, yet we appreciate the emotional roller coaster of each other’s lives. She understands how my love for my son and my pride in the man he has become trumps all my previous notions. She knows the struggles he has faced and understands the courage he shows each day. Most importantly, I know she will get it when I say there are times when the sorrow comes flooding back again after months of coping if someone casually asks if he’s dating anyone or can they fix him up with this really great girl.

“If the father drops the kid and the kid gets brain damage, at least he’ll be straight. Small price to pay.” - Dr. Joseph Nicolosi

2010-12-07T09:13:00.000-05:00

NARTH, an acronym for National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, was founded in 1992, in response to the delisting of homosexuality as a mental disorder by the American Psychiatric Association in 1973. One of its founders and the current preisdent is Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a graduate of the California School of Psychology in dowtown Los Angeles. The express goal of the organization is to prevent children from becoming gay or to return gays to heterosexuality through reparative therapy.

There are several reasons for this particular exposure. Firstly, the "Statement" spends an inordinate amount of words discussing "reparative therapy". Secondly, Rabbi Freundel discussed "reparative therapy" at the panel. Third, the person who spoke up at the panel was Dr. Joseph Berger, a psychiatrist and board member of NARTH.

In light of the tragic suicides over the last few months by young gay men and women who were bullied I would like to submit two written pieces to ponder. The first is an article published by OU in response to bullying. The second is a comment made by Berger on the NARTH website in 2006 and which was later removed.

Op-Ed: There’s no place for bullying in God’s world

Rabbi Steven Burg

This article first appeared October 17 in JTA

I was saddened to hear of the death of Tyler Clementi, an 18-year-old college student driven to suicide by bullying over his sexual orientation. While Clementi’s case has grabbed national headlines, it sadly is far from unique.

Last September alone, no fewer than six boys in the United States committed suicide as a response to bullying they suffered over their sexual identities. Several of the victims were as young as 13 years old.

Bullying is nothing new, but modern technology has caused it to explode in new and dangerous ways. In Clementi’s case, intimate moments were webcast. Other teens are humiliated routinely via social networks. It takes no effort whatsoever to send a tweet, post a video or write on a virtual wall.

In the old days, bullies could usually only harass their intended victims live and in person. Nowadays a teen can be abused and publicly denigrated remotely and often anonymously.

Such cases are not limited to boys; nor are they limited to situations pertaining to the victims’ sexuality. Three girls are awaiting trial in Massachusetts for their role in harassing a classmate to the point of suicide. Even when situations do not reach the point of suicide as a perceived means of escape, bullying lowers self-esteem and leads to depression and anxiety.

It is unacceptable to harass or bully anyone for any reason. It makes no difference what a person’s race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation or country of origin happens to be. A person’s income or social status is immaterial. We are all created in the image of God, and the Torah demands that we extend common courtesy to one another.

Our responsibility goes even further in the case of the downtrodden and oppressed, insisting that we guard ourselves very carefully so as not to add to their troubles through our words and actions. (Causing pain to a widow, an orphan or a convert are particularly heinous acts under Torah law.)

Rabbi Akiva famously said in Leviticus 19:18 that the primary principle of the Torah is “love your neighbor as yourself.” However, the Sifra (a book of the Midrash) immediately follows that statement with what it considers to be an even more important principle: The sage Ben Azzai cites in Genesis 5:1, “This is the book of the generations of Adam.” The verse means that we all are descended from the same ancestors, Adam and Eve.

As important as the verse cited by Rabbi Akiva is, it’s too easy for us to justify hating others because they are not our “neighbor"; that is, they are not like us. Ben Azzai’s verse reminds us that black or white, rich or poor, straight or gay, Jewish, Christian or Muslim, we ultimately are one family -- the family of mankind.

Hate and fear of that which is different is not something with which we are born; it is something acquired. (song “You’ve Got to Be Taught,” the beautiful Rodgers and Hammerstein in "South Pacific," sends out that message.) Accordingly, I implore all parents, teachers and other role models to actively encourage an environment of tolerance.

This doesn’t mean that we have to agree with every decision that others may make in life. We may disagree with others’ theologies or lifestyles. But disagreement is not a license to abuse others. A child, a teen or an adult who harasses another person, verbally or physically, is automatically in the wrong.

At NCSY, we have adopted strict policies against acts of malice and aggression. All of our regions across North America are being instructed to have sessions on bullying. The Midwest Region, based in Chicago, already has announced a bullying program at its Fall Regional in Kansas City next weekend.

Unwelcome attention and a hostile environment are unacceptable regardless of the source. We all have the right to live free of intimidation. If we have legitimate differences of opinion with another person regarding religion, politics or other areas in which debate may be valid, that calls for thoughtful discussion and mutual respect.

I call upon parents, educators, clergy and all others who work with youth to join us in a zero-tolerance policy for bullying in all its forms, including cyberbullying. Not only will this save young lives from being needlessly thrown away, it will ensure a safer and healthier environment for all our children.

(Rabbi Steven Burg is the international director of NCSY, the national Jewish youth program of the Orthodox Union.)

Here is the link for this article.....

http://www.ou.org/shabbat_shalom/article/75871

And this is what Dr. Joseph Berger has to say about bullying......

"I suggest, indeed, letting children who wish go to school in clothes of the opposite sex -- but not counseling other children to not tease them or hurt their feelings.

On the contrary, don't interfere, and let the other children ridicule the child who has lost that clear boundary between play-acting at home and the reality needs of the outside world. Maybe, in this way, the child will re-establish that necessary boundary."
Enough said.

Be well.

Saul David

"A desire for lobster dinner is not a violation of kashrus laws, only the dinner is. The same is true with homosexuality."

2010-11-17T23:36:00.001-05:00

The other day, after Rabbis Helfgot and Freundel spoke, my wife and I sat with Rabbi Freundel over lunch. In a friendly manner, we continued our discussion. At one point, Rabbi Freundel stated that he would like to see a study done about the failure of reparative therapy.

Not a study done about the success of reparative therapy, but the failure of reparative therapy. He said that everyone is claiming that reparative therapy doesn't work, but he would like to see a scientific study conducted to prove it doesn't work. He then went on to say that if in fact reparative therapy was unsuccessful, maybe it was not the fault of the therapy, but due to some other factor weighing on the subject's psyche.

I answered by saying that I don't need scientific proof. My proof is in the large amount of young men who have told me that they have gone through reparative therapy, only to fail at it, sometimes leading them to the point of suicide.

I quietly vowed to myself that I would find the information that Rabbi Fruendel was searching for. I will post my findings over the next few days.

Here is the first one...................

But stay tuned......

There's more on the way.

SD

ABC News

The Toughest Call: Conversion Therapy

Jennifer Lee Had a Tough Choice to Make When She Found Out Her Husband Is Gay

By ALISON LYNN and MAGGIE BURBANK

Sept. 22, 2007 —

Jennifer Lee thought she'd found the man of her dreams when she met Steve Lee. He was handsome, sensitive and most of all funny.

They quickly fell in love and after Jennifer converted to Mormonism, they married. After a few years, they welcomed a son. Despite their seemingly happy, secure relationship, Steve was hiding a secret, one he'd had since he was 19 years old.

Jennifer was devastated when her husband told her he is gay.

She was suddenly faced with the toughest call she could imagine: should she stay with her husband who has just come out to her or should she leave him? Although the news shocked and upset her, Jennifer decided something could be done.

"I started to convince myself it didn't have to be," Jennifer said, "and I started to convince him it didn't have to be and he agreed."

Steve, a devout Mormon, feared God would not accept him if he were gay. The couple met with their bishop who urged Steve to rid himself of his homosexuality by going through conversion therapy, a controversial program intended to eliminate homosexual feelings. Steve felt he had no choice.

"I wanted to be accepted by God," he said. "I wanted to be loved. That was everything to me. And so I saw no other route."

So every week Steve joined other Mormon men for group therapy. Most conversion therapy involves different forms of behavior modification, attempting to make people straight by having them act straight. Some programs even teach men about stereotypically "male" activities, such as talking about football and changing motor oil. Steve did not find that his experience with conversion therapy was at all therapeutic.

"I would definitely call it brainwashing," he said. "It was an exercise in humiliation."

There is much skepticism surrounding conversion therapy and whether it's even possible to reverse someone's sexual orientation. Most professional health organizations reject the theories behind conversion therapy, and many have even deemed it a potentially harmful "treatment."

Jack Drescher is a psychiatrist in New York and warns that not only is conversion therapy unlikely to work, it can be very dangerous.

"Patients feel more depressed and anxious when the treatment doesn't work," Drescher said. "They blame themselves. Some people became suicidal."

Are Conversions Successful?

The largest faith-based conversion therapy program in the country is Love in Action, which is located in Memphis, Tenn. Eight years ago "20/20" was invited to meet nine participants in the program who were attempting to purge themselves of what they called "homosexual behaviors."

James Serra, one of those men, says he is one of the program's success stories. Serra stayed in the program for three years, and today he's a counselor at Love in Action.

When asked whether he was a gay man or a straight man, Serra answered, "I'm a man, period. And the way I see it, it's a behavior. Homosexual, heterosexual is a behavior."

While Serra admits he is still attracted to men, he emphasizes that he has not acted on those feelings in eight years. Even though he has yet to have a relationship with a woman, he hopes that one day he will get married and have children.

Wade Richards was Serra's roommate when "20/20" visited Love in Action. As a devout Christian, Richards says he was faced with the difficult call of whether to accept his attraction to men or try to change. Despite the time he spent in conversion therapy, he now lives his life as a gay man.

"I believe that a loving God would not have someone go through such a struggle," said Richards.

Big Bucks on Sexuality Conversion

The faith-based movement to convert people's sexuality is a lucrative industry. Last spring the conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family hosted a conference called "Love Won Out" at a megachurch in Nebraska. Parents were encouraged to bring their children to the conference so they could learn the church's take on homosexuality.

In addition to the $60 entrance fee, attendees could purchase books and videos, including a book by John Paulk, former chairman of Exodus International, a network with more than 11,000 affiliated ministries. Claiming to be "ex-gay" for more than a decade and happily married to a woman, Paulk was considered a poster child for conversion therapy.

Then in 2001, "20/20" reported that Paulk was photographed coming out of a gay bar in Washington, D.C. He is still married, but stepped down from Exodus. His book about his own conversion from homosexuality is still being sold.

Like many of the attendees at the "Love Won Out" conference, Steve and Jennifer had hoped that conversion therapy would be effective. After Steve went through a Mormon therapy program, Jennifer made the tough call to stay in the marriage. They subsequently had two more children, but all along, Steve felt painfully trapped.

"There wasn't a 15-minute segment of any day that went by that I did not feel terrible inside my head," Steve said.

After 16 years of marriage, Steve admitted to Jennifer that he had been having a long-term affair with another married man. The couple has now been divorced for four years, and Jennifer has written a book called "My Ex Is Having Sex With Rex."

Jennifer says, in retrospect, one of her biggest regrets in life was to believe that her husband's sexuality could be changed by conversion therapy. She wishes churches would embrace anyone and everyone, but doubts that will ever be a reality.

"In a utopian world, the churches would open their arms and accept everybody in the world for who they are," she said, "but I don't believe that's going to happen."

Copyright © 2007 ABC News Internet Ventures

"Don't ask, don't tell."

2010-11-14T22:20:00.002-05:00

A few months ago, I was asked if my son and I would be willing to sit on a panel to discuss the "Statement of Principles..."
At first both of us agreed, but after some discussion over the Chagim, we concluded that perhaps it would not be a good idea to sit on a panel in our own city. We questioned whether any good would come of it or would people attend just to see the gay guy and his father. So we politely declined.

The panel discussion was held today. On the panel was Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot, the driving force behind the Statement, and Rabbi Barry Freundel, who wrote "Homosexuality and Judaism" in the Journal of Halakha and Contemporary Society in 1986.

Rabbi Helfgot opened the discussion with a narrative of how The Statement came to fruition, how it began as a response to the YU symposium held last December and how it took six months for it to be published after it was vetted by a large amount of Rabbis, health professionals, halakhists, jurists. He explained that some people who were involved in the development of The Statement were unable to lend their name to it for political or social reasons.

Rabbi Freundel followed with a discussion that began with his claim that just about everything that was covered in The Statement has been previously been published either by him in 1986 or in subsequent essays over the years by the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA). He told us that his essay, "Homosexuality and Judaism" was used by the Pentagon during the Clinton administration to formulate its policy of "Don't ask, don't tell." He said that he would have no problem if a gay person had an aliyah in his shul, so long as he did not openly announce his homosexuality. He likened homosexuality to kashruth and shabbat observance and made a comparison to circumcisions which were frowned upon during Hellenistic times. He also claimed that in jurisdictions where gay marriage is legal, there is less of an issue.

After the speakers completed their talks, the floor was opened to questions. The first person to speak was asked to come up to the mike by Rabbi Freundel. This man, who claimed to be a psycho-therapist, claimed that he has cured numerous young men through reparative therapy. The next person to speak was the head of Mizrachi, an eighty-something man who said that something had to be done to stop gay people from influencing young people to become gay.

Prior to walking into this discussion, my wife and some friends had "advised" me not to speak. After these two people finished their so-called questions, I asked to speak. I stated that I did not have a question but I wanted to comment on some of the points which were raised.

I began by reminding the audience and the panelists that The Statement was a direct result of the symposium which was held at YU last December. I reminded them that the title of the symposium was "On Being Gay in the Modern Orthodox World" and as such they have to bear in mind that these young men want to be part of the Orthodox world. I made 4 points........

1. Legalized gay marriage is not an issue to these young men. They are not interested in a civil marriage just as heterosexual men and women who are modern Othrodox don't run off to Las Vegas for a civil marriage.

2. I stated that kashruth is a choice, Shabbat is a choice, milah is a choice but sexuality is not a choice.

3. In terms of reparative therapy, I stated that I have first hand knowledge of young men who have tried reparative therapy and instead of becoming a heterosexual had tried suicide. I commented that any life lost as a result of reparative therapy is one life too many.

4. Finally, my response to the head of Mizrachi was that these young men who want a place in the Modern Orthodox world are not cast members of Glee. Their goal is not to convert little boys to homosexuality.

I must say, this was an emotionally trying day. After the panel discussion, we broke for lunch and we sat with Rabbi Freundel during lunch. We had an open and frank discussion out of the public eye. I would much rather have a discussion with someone like Rabbi Freundel, who represents the establishment and who is clear and articulate in his opinion, than the rabbi of the shul where I used to attend, who signed The Statement but refused my son as an eyd.

Prior to today's panel discussion I spent the last two days with Rabbi Helfgot because he was a scholar in residence at my shul. We had lots of opportunity to discuss the symposium, the statement and my son's role in the Jewish community.

As the day drew to a close, the organizer came to me and said that it was a good idea that my son and I were not the main panelists in light of what came from the audience.

L'chaim Mr. Clinton.

Be well.

SD

"The thing was very bad in Abraham's eyes." - Parashat Va-yera

2010-10-21T05:56:00.003-04:00

It has been three years since I began this blog.

Over the last few weeks, we have been following the narrative in the Torah of Avraham, the"father" of the Jewish people. On a strictly literal level he made some pretty serious errors that resulted in a change to his family.

Picture this..................

Abraham and his wife are on a vacation, the king takes one look at Abraham's wife, and Abraham is out the door. "Her? Na, she's my sister. No problem. I'll just pick her up in the morning."

or, even better ...........

Wordlessly, Abraham sends Hagar and Ishmael away. They find themselves stranded in the wilderness without water. Hagar tosses her son under a bush, because she cannot stand to see his death. Blinded by tears, she does not see a water source, until a messenger of God tells her to lift her eyes, and look. And this seeing closes the story, with Ishmael's life saved and his destiny assured.

And look at how that has turned out for us!

Even Avraham, the father of the Jewish people, had to adjust to the changes that affected his family.

It's been three years since I wrote "A family changed forever." Last night, I met with a couple whose son told them that he is gay. Their rabbi directed them to this blog and as a result of a business trip that brought me to their city, we were able to meet. We spent several hours together.

They are, where we were, three years ago.

This meeting has given me the opportunity to reflect on the last three years and where we are today.

As usual, a meeting like this is highly emotional and wrought with tears. We met in the evening, spent over two hours together, and as usual, I could not get to sleep, having relived the last few years. The sleep I managed to get lasted barely two hours as our discussion kept me from getting a restful sleep.

It's time to do a "cheshbon".

We are in a much better place today than three years ago. My son is doing well. He is actively pursuing his career as well as being a leading advocate for gay rights in the Modern Orthodox world. Our other children are doing fine as well. They are also actively pursuing their careers and moving on with their lives. We have tried to find as many opportunities as we could to bring everyone together as a family and I think we have succeeded at that. We make sure to spend every Pesach and Rosh Hashana together as a family.

Last month our kids made us a 36th wedding anniversary party. They invited friends and family who have been there for us over the years.

It was more than an anniversary party. They were making a statement.

They were exclaiming to the world in a clear and loud voice that we are doing just fine.

Be well.

Saul David

"Onlythegoodieyoung"

2010-08-27T07:37:00.003-04:00

This past Shavuot, my son and his friends were sitting around the table, and the discussion turned to their families and the struggles that their parents were facing. They played a game to see which family had more issues. Of course the discussion included being gay in the modern orthodox world, the so-called shidduch crisis, the rapidly growing divorce rate, the economy....you name it.

Then one of his friends told the group that his parents were sitting in a hospital in Los Angeles with his younger brother who was dying of cancer. The friends sat back and declared him the winner.

His brother, Gilad Schwartz, succumbed to his illness. Yesterday, my son and his friends attended his funeral in Baltimore.

Recently, I have been in an email discussion with someone who was having a difficult time dealing with his parents. The parents were having a hard time struggling with the fact that this accomplished young man is gay. I suggested that his parents read the blog that Gilad wrote from his hospital bed.

It is www.onlythegoodieyoung.wordpress.com

May The Almighty comfort Gilad Schwartz's family among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

Saul David

"Gay until proven straight." - Naomi Toby

2010-08-14T22:49:00.004-04:00

It's time for a little reality check......thanks to my children!

We were sitting around the Shabbos table with two of our daughters, my eldest daughter who is visiting us from Israel and my youngest child who is home from camp for week before she returns to Stern College.

The topics of discussion were varied and sometimes intense, and very often they center around the "shidduch crisis" and of course, being gay and Orthodox.

It is a sad commentary of our time that so many marriages of young people are dissolving after a relatively short period of time.

Being a single-minded person, I made a comment that maybe some of these marriages are dissolving because one of the partners are gay (since I now view everything through "gay lenses").

It was at this point that my youngest daughter looked at me and said that I paint everything with the same "gay" brush.

She then stated that my motto should be "Gay until proven straight."

Be well.

Saul David

"A camel is a horse designed by committee." Vogue Magazine, July 1958

2010-07-28T18:29:00.006-04:00

Once again, I must commend those rabbis and health professionals who signed the Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with a Homosexual Orientation in Our Community.

I do not want to minimize the risk they have taken by signing this document. I want to wish them Hakarat HaTov for all their efforts.

However I do have problems with various aspects of the Statement. I mentioned these problems in my previous postings and I will repeat them again, hopefully for the last time.

I have a problem with the fact that it took six months after the symposium to issue this Statement, while those opposed to the symposium issued their attacks within days.

And I have a problem with some of the content, as you can read on my previous posting.

I fully recognize that this was a group effort and as such, it took so long to produce and to reach a consensus. It was, like the proverbial camel, a Statement designed by committee.

But I am just a committee of one, so I have taken up the task of offering a revised statement, written by a parent of a child who is gay. I have a vested interest and I am probably much closer to the issue than any of the signatories may care to admit.

This is a serious effort on my part and I am writing this with no malice intended. I have used some parts of the Statement because the authors have expressed themselves so much better than I could have.

You be the judge..................

1. All human beings are created in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (kevod haberiyot). Every Jew is obligated to fulfill the entire range of mitzvot between person and person in relation to persons who are homosexual or have feelings of same sex attraction. Embarassing, harassing or demeaning someone with a homosexual orientation or same-sex attraction is a violation of Torah prohibitions that embody the deepest values of Judaism.

2. We accept the decision of the American Psychiatric Association in its declassification of homosexuality as a mental disorder. Therefore we concur that homosexuality cannot be treated and cured.

3. We categorically reject any efforts by any organization claiming to have the ability to change a person from a homosexual to a heterosexual, especially since these so-called therapies have not been proven to be effective in the least and may have been the cause of suicides at most. Any loss of life as a result of these efforts is one life too many to sacrifice.

4. We recognize that since Creation, man has always desired a mate, and as such, and in spite of the halakhic prohibitions, same-sex relations will occur. We have been witness in the last few years to families with parents of the same sex raising children. In spite of the halakhic implication, we would urge these parents to raise their children, to the best of their ability, in a Torah observant manner.

5. We encourage all Jews to fulfill the obligation of praying b'tzibbur, and as such we ask that synagogues and institutions make all Jews welcome, regardless of their sexual orientation. We encourage all Jews to strive for a Torah observant life and so, we encourage homosexuals who grew up in an observant home, or who are trying to become more observant, in spite of the perceived obstacles, to continue in their efforts to live life as a Torah observant Jew. We would ask all synagogues and minyanim to accord everyone the same rights and honors, regardless. There have been too many situations, over the last few years, where persons have been accorded the highest honors and rights, only to have been found guilty of any number of wrongdoings.

6. Humankind was created "in the image of G-d". We are not worthy to question why Hashem created people in a certain way. We must always remember that everyone is a unique creation and everyone should be treated as hashem would want them to be treated.

Be well.

Saul David

"The ignorance, neglect, or contempt of the rights of man are the sole cause of public calamities..."The Declaration of the Rights of Man" 1789.

2010-07-27T11:57:00.013-04:00

While I commend the rabbis who signed the Statement for doing so, the more I read the statement, the more I have problems with it.

Bear in mind that my perspective is as a parent of a child who is gay.

Allow me to break it down.......

We, the undersigned Orthodox rabbis, rashei yeshiva, ramim, Jewish educators and communal leaders affirm the following principles with regard to the place of Jews with a homosexual orientation in our community:

1. All human beings are created in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (kevod haberiyot). Every Jew is obligated to fulfill the entire range of mitzvot between person and person in relation to persons who are homosexual or have feelings of same sex attraction. Embarrassing, harassing or demeaning someone with a homosexual orientation or same-sex attraction is a violation of Torah prohibitions that embody the deepest values of Judaism.

This is a fine preamble along the lines of the Declaration of Independence and The Declaration of the Rights of Man, both composed in the late 1700s. It is always good to begin a statement in broad, glowing terms.

2. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to our obligation to treat human beings with same-sex attractions and orientations with dignity and respect.

I question why this had to be inserted at all, but it becomes more clear a few points later on.

3. Halakhah sees heterosexual marriage as the ideal model and sole legitimate outlet for human sexual expression. The sensitivity and understanding we properly express for human beings with other sexual orientations does not diminish our commitment to that principle.

With this point, the rabbis are making it clear exactly where they stand.

4. Halakhic Judaism views all male and female same-sex sexual interactions as prohibited. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to this prohibition. While halakha categorizes various homosexual acts with different degrees of severity and opprobrium, including toeivah, this does not in any way imply that lesser acts are permitted. But it is critical to emphasize that halakha only prohibits homosexual acts; it does not prohibit orientation or feelings of same-sex attraction, and nothing in the Torah devalues the human beings who struggle with them. (We do not here address the issue of hirhurei aveirah, a halakhic category that goes beyond mere feelings and applies to all forms of sexuality and requires precise halakhic definition.)

Once again the question of whether or not sexual orientation is genetic is raised again.

Back in January, NoPeanuts made the following comment:

The thing that these Rosh Yeshivahs, particularly Twersky keep talking about is that the issues surrounding homosexuality, particularly its origins and transitionality are an ongoing debate in the medical community, very much up in the air.

I have never heard this from a certified healthcare professional.

5. Whatever the origin or cause of homosexual orientation, many individuals believe that for most people this orientation cannot be changed. Others believe that for most people it is a matter of free will. Similarly, while some mental health professionals and rabbis in the community strongly believe in the efficacy of “change therapies”, most of the mental health community, many rabbis, and most people with a homosexual orientation feel that some of these therapies are either ineffective or potentially damaging psychologically for many patients.

We affirm the religious right of those with a homosexual orientation to reject
therapeutic approaches they reasonably see as useless or dangerous.

Again, the issue is raised. But this time there is a discussion of the "efficacy" of "change therapies". In spite of the affirmation that homosexuals have a "right" to reject "therapeutic approaches they reasonably see as useless or dangerous". This is not an unequivocal statement. This affirmation does not recognize the declaration made by the American Psychiatric Association that reparative therapy does not work.

There seems to be "a reasonable doubt" casting a shadow over this statement. There is a disproportionate amount of discussion around genetic causes and choice.

6. Jews with a homosexual orientation who live in the Orthodox community confront serious emotional, communal and psychological challenges that cause them and their families great pain and suffering. For example, homosexual orientation may greatly increase the risk of suicide among teenagers in our community. Rabbis and communities need to be sensitive and empathetic to that reality. Rabbis and mental health professionals must provide responsible and ethical assistance to congregants and clients dealing with those human challenges.

Thank you for that.

7. Jews struggling to live their lives in accordance with halakhic values need and deserve our support. Accordingly, we believe that the decision as to whether to be open about one's sexual orientation should be left to such individuals, who should consider their own needs and those of the community. We are opposed on ethical and moral grounds to both the “outing” of individuals who want to remain private and to coercing those who desire to be open about their orientation to keep it hidden.

Again, thank you for this point.

8. Accordingly, Jews with homosexual orientations or same sex-attractions should be welcomed as full members of the synagogue and school community. As appropriate with regard to gender and lineage, they should participate and count ritually, be eligible for ritual synagogue honors, and generally be treated in the same fashion and under the same halakhic and hashkafic framework as any other member of the synagogue they join. Conversely, they must accept and fulfill all the responsibilities of such membership, including those generated by communal norms or broad Jewish principles that go beyond formal halakhah.

We do not here address what synagogues should do about accepting members
who are openly practicing homosexuals and/or living with a same-sex partner.
Each synagogue together with its rabbi must establish its own standard with
regard to membership for open violators of halakha.
Those standards should be applied fairly and objectively.

I can live with this point.

9. Halakha articulates very exacting criteria and standards of eligibility for particular religious offices, such as officially appointed cantor during the year or baal tefillah on the High Holidays. Among the most important of those criteria is that the entire congregation must be fully comfortable with having that person serve as its representative. This legitimately prevents even the most admirable individuals, who are otherwise perfectly fit halakhically, from serving in those roles. It is the responsibility of the lay and rabbinic leadership in each individual community to determine eligibility for those offices in line with those principles, the importance of maintaining communal harmony, and the unique context of its community culture.

It goes without saying that any baal tefillah should live up to a high standard. However, there is a political reality to every organization and this usually manifests itself in that any minority, including a sexual minority, will more often than not, not find a place there.

10. Jews with a homosexual orientation or same sex attraction, even if they engage in same sex interactions, should be encouraged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability. All Jews are challenged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability, and the attitude of “all or nothing” was not the traditional approach adopted by the majority of halakhic thinkers and poskim throughout the ages.

The "all or nothing" attitude does not stem from the homosexual but it comes as a result of his or her rejection from the Orthodox Jewish community.

11. Halakhic Judaism cannot give its blessing and imprimatur to Jewish religious
same-sex commitment ceremonies and weddings, and halakhic values proscribe individuals and communities from encouraging practices that grant religious legitimacy to gay marriage and couplehood. But communities should display sensitivity, acceptance and full embrace of the adopted or biological children of homosexually active Jews in the synagogue and school setting, and we encourage parents and family of homosexually partnered Jews to make every effort to maintain harmonious family relations and connections.

This sounds like the statement is advocating celibacy and a life without intimacy.

12. Jews who have an exclusively homosexual orientation should, under most circumstances, not be encouraged to marry someone of the other gender, as
this can lead to great tragedy, unrequited love, shame, dishonesty and ruined
lives. They should be directed to contribute to Jewish and general society in
other meaningful ways. Any such person who is planning to marry someone of
the opposite gender is halakhically and ethically required to fully inform their
potential spouse of their sexual orientation.

This is the one case where a person should be "outed" to protect the other party.

To sum up, in spite of their best efforts, this statement is lacking.

At first glance, I liked the statement and I was glad it was written, but after a second reading, I had issues with it. It loses its lustre and it does not go far enough. Had it been written as soon as possible after the symposium and after the nasty remarks by the Rabbeim, then it would have had more of a meaning and more of an impact.

By the third reading it seems apologetic and uncertain.

It is clear that they have not come to terms with the fact that homosexuality is not a choice.

More to come....

Be well.

Saul David

Dairy Equipment and the Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with a Homosexual Orientation in Our Community

2010-07-26T15:05:00.002-04:00

While I commend those rabbis who have finally taken a stand by signing this Statement of Principles, the Statement reminds me of the kashruth label that has been added to packages over the last several years with the symbol "DE", signifying dairy equipment. Does this label on the package mean that the product is dairy? Or is it pareve? Can I eat it with meat? How long must I wait?

It leaves more questions unanswered and it doesn't really address the issue fully, completely and unequivocally.

It's not quite pareve, but neither is it milchig or fleishig.

In spite of the issue, it should be relatively easy for the rabbis to tackle. According to my son and his friends at JQYouth, all they want is to be included and recognized as members of Clal Yisroel, without bias or discrimination.

This should have been an easy issue to address, yet it took six months to publish and it involved hundreds of emails to reach a consensus.

I wouldn't be proud of such a feat. It took the rashei yeshiva of YU less than 24 hours to make a statement condemning the symposium and it took Rabbi Twerski less than a week to appear on YouTube after the symposium. But it took 6 months for these rabbis to respond!

What we got was a label that expressed its kashruth, but it remains muddy and unclear.

Too little and too late.

It is quite clear how Rabbi Twerski holds.

I'm really not so sure about the signatories.

Be well and keep on supporting your children. We're the only ones they can truly trust.

Saul David

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Sir Isaac Newton

2010-07-25T16:15:00.003-04:00

It has been exactly six months since four brave young men spoke at Yeshiva University "On Being Gay in the Modern Orthodox World." Within a day after that event the Rashei Yeshiva of YU came out (no pun intended) and vilified the school and the speakers for holding this symposium. A few days later, Rabbi Twersky spoke in an even more disturbing manner about the symposium.

Six months later, apparently after months and months of discussion and and hundreds of pages of shared emails, a group of rabbis have issued a statement relating to the issue of homosexuality in the Orthodox world.

What follows is their statement.

I reserve judgment and comments on this for a later date.

Be well.

SD

Thursday, July 22, 2010

For the last six months a number of Orthodox rabbis and educators have been preparing a statement of principles on the place of our brothers and sisters in our community who have a homosexual orientation.

The original draft was prepared by Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot. It was then commented upon by and revised based on the input from dozens of talmidei chachamim, educators, communal rabbis, mental health professionals and a number of individuals in our community who are homosexual in orientation.

Significant revisions were made based upon the input of Rabbi Aryeh Klapper and Rabbi Yitzchak Blau who were intimately involved in the process of editing and improving the document during the last three months.

The statement below is a consensus document arrived at after hundreds of hours of discussion,debate and editing. At the bottom, is the initial cohort of signators.

If you are an Orthodox rabbi, educator, or mental health professional and would like to add your signature to the current list, please send a short e-mail to:
statementnya@hotmail.com with your name, address, cell phone number, and professional affiliation.

Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with a
Homosexual Orientation in Our Community

We, the undersigned Orthodox rabbis, rashei yeshiva, ramim, Jewish educators and communal leaders affirm the following principles with regard to the place of Jews with a homosexual orientation in our community:

1. All human beings are created in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (kevod haberiyot). Every Jew is obligated to fulfill the entire range of mitzvot between person and person in relation to persons who are homosexual or have feelings of same sex attraction. Embarrassing, harassing or demeaning someone with a homosexual orientation or same-sex attraction is a violation of Torah prohibitions that embody the deepest values of Judaism.

2. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to our obligation to treat human beings with same-sex attractions and orientations with dignity and respect.

3. Halakhah sees heterosexual marriage as the ideal model and sole legitimate outlet for human sexual expression. The sensitivity and understanding we properly express for human beings with other sexual orientations does not diminish our commitment to that principle.

4. Halakhic Judaism views all male and female same-sex sexual interactions as prohibited. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to this prohibition. While halakha categorizes various homosexual acts with different degrees of severity and opprobrium, including toeivah, this does not in any way imply that lesser acts are permitted. But it is critical to emphasize that halakha only prohibits homosexual acts; it does not prohibit orientation or feelings of same-sex attraction, and nothing in the Torah devalues the human beings who struggle with them. (We do not here address the issue of hirhurei aveirah, a halakhic category that goes beyond mere feelings and applies to all forms of sexuality and requires precise halakhic definition.)

5. Whatever the origin or cause of homosexual orientation, many individuals believe that for most people this orientation cannot be changed. Others believe that for most people it is a matter of free will. Similarly, while some mental health professionals and rabbis in the community strongly believe in the efficacy of “change therapies”, most of the mental health community, many rabbis, and most people with a homosexual orientation feel that some of these therapies are either ineffective or potentially damaging psychologically for many patients.

We affirm the religious right of those with a homosexual orientation to reject
therapeutic approaches they reasonably see as useless or dangerous.

6. Jews with a homosexual orientation who live in the Orthodox community confront serious emotional, communal and psychological challenges that cause them and their families great pain and suffering. For example, homosexual orientation may greatly increase the risk of suicide among teenagers in our community. Rabbis and communities need to be sensitive and empathetic to that reality. Rabbis and mental health professionals must provide responsible and ethical assistance to congregants and clients dealing with those human challenges.

7. Jews struggling to live their lives in accordance with halakhic values need and deserve our support. Accordingly, we believe that the decision as to whether to be open about one's sexual orientation should be left to such individuals, who should consider their own needs and those of the community. We are opposed on ethical and moral grounds to both the “outing” of individuals who want to remain private and to coercing those who desire to be open about their orientation to keep it hidden.

8. Accordingly, Jews with homosexual orientations or same sex-attractions should be welcomed as full members of the synagogue and school community. As appropriate with regard to gender and lineage, they should participate and count ritually, be eligible for ritual synagogue honors, and generally be treated in the same fashion and under the same halakhic and hashkafic framework as any other member of the synagogue they join. Conversely, they must accept and fulfill all the responsibilities of such membership, including those generated by communal norms or broad Jewish principles that go beyond formal halakhah.

We do not here address what synagogues should do about accepting members
who are openly practicing homosexuals and/or living with a same-sex partner.
Each synagogue together with its rabbi must establish its own standard with
regard to membership for open violators of halakha.
Those standards should be applied fairly and objectively.

9. Halakha articulates very exacting criteria and standards of eligibility for particular religious offices, such as officially appointed cantor during the year or baal tefillah on the High Holidays. Among the most important of those criteria is that the entire congregation must be fully comfortable with having that person serve as its representative. This legitimately prevents even the most admirable individuals, who are otherwise perfectly fit halakhically, from serving in those roles. It is the responsibility of the lay and rabbinic leadership in each individual community to determine eligibility for those offices in line with those principles, the importance of maintaining communal harmony, and the unique context of its community culture.

10. Jews with a homosexual orientation or same sex attraction, even if they engage in same sex interactions, should be encouraged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability. All Jews are challenged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability, and the attitude of “all or nothing” was not the traditional approach adopted by the majority of halakhic thinkers and poskim throughout the ages.

11. Halakhic Judaism cannot give its blessing and imprimatur to Jewish religious
same-sex commitment ceremonies and weddings, and halakhic values proscribe individuals and communities from encouraging practices that grant religious legitimacy to gay marriage and couplehood. But communities should display sensitivity, acceptance and full embrace of the adopted or biological children of homosexually active Jews in the synagogue and school setting, and we encourage parents and family of homosexually partnered Jews to make every effort to maintain harmonious family relations and connections.

12. Jews who have an exclusively homosexual orientation should, under most circumstances, not be encouraged to marry someone of the other gender, as
this can lead to great tragedy, unrequited love, shame, dishonesty and ruined
lives. They should be directed to contribute to Jewish and general society in
other meaningful ways. Any such person who is planning to marry someone of
the opposite gender is halakhically and ethically required to fully inform their
potential spouse of their sexual orientation.

We hope and pray that by sharing these thoughts we will help the Orthodox
community to fully live out its commitment to the principles and values of
Torah and Halakha as practiced and cherished by the children of Abraham, who
our sages teach us are recognized by the qualities of being rahamanim
(merciful), bayshanim (modest), and gomelei hasadim
engaging in acts of loving-kindness).

(as of 7/25/10)
Rabbi Yosef Adler
Rabbi Joshua Amaru
Rabbi Elisha Anscelovits
Rabbi Hayyim Angel
Rabbi Marc Angel
Rabbi Maurice Appelbaum
Mrs. Nechama Goldman Barash
Rabbi Avi Baumol
Rabbi Benjamin Berger
Rabbi Dr. Shalom Berger
Rabbi Dr. Joshua Berman
Rabbi Todd Berman
Rabbi Yonah Berman
Dr. David Bernstein
Rabbi David Bigman
Rabbi Yitzchak Blau
Rabbi Nasanayl Braun
Dr. Erica Brown
Rabbi Yuval Cherlow
Dr. Aubie Diamond
Ms. Yael Diamond
Rabbi Mark Dratch
Rabbi Ira Ebbin
Rabbi Rafi Eis
Mrs. Atara Eis
Mrts. Elan Sober Elzufon
Rabbi Yitzhak Etshalom
Rabbi Dr. Shaul (Seth) Farber
Ms. Rachel Feingold
Rabbi Yoel Finkelman
Rabbi Jeffrey Fox
Rabbi Aaron Frank
Rabbi Aharon Frazier
Rabbi Avidan Freedman
Rabbi Shmuel Goldin
Rabbi Mark Gottlieb
Rabbi Barry Gelman
Rabbi Uri Goldstein
Rabbi Benjamin Greenberg
Rabbi Zvi Grumet
Rabbi Alan Haber
Dr. Aviad Hacohen
Rabbi Tully Harcsztark
Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot
Rabbi Josh Hess
Dr. Daniel Kahn
Rabbi Yosef Kanefsky
Rabbi Jay Kellman
Rabbi Aryeh Klapper
Mrs. Judy Klitsner
Rabbi Shmuel Klitsner
Rabbi Jeff Kobrin
Dr. Aaron Koller
Rabbi Barry Kornblau
Dr. Meesh Hammer Kossoy
Rabbi Binny Krauss
Mrs. Esther Krauss
Rabbi Dr. Benny Lau
Rabbi Zvi Leshem
Rabbi Daniel Levitt
Rabbi Norman Linzer
Rabbi Dr. Martin Lockshin
Rabbi Dr. Haskel Lookstein
Rabbi Asher Lopatin
Rabbi Chaim Marder
Rabbi Joshua Maroof
Rabbi Dr. Adam Mintz
Rabbi Jonathan Morgenstern
Rabbi Dr. Yaacov Nagen (Genack)
Mrs. C.B. Neugroschl
Rabbi Yossi Pollak
Dr. Caroline Pyser
Rabbi Daniel Reifman
Rabbi Avi Robinson
Rabbi Chaim Sacknovitz
Rabbi Noam Shapiro
Rabbi Yehuda Seif
Rabbi Murray Schaum
Rabbi Hanan Schlesinger
Rabbi Adam Schier
Ms. Lisa Schlaff
Rabbi Yehuda Septimus
Rabbi Yair Silverman
Rabbi Jeremy Stavitsky
Rabbi Adam Starr
Rabbi Chaim Strauchler
Rabbi Yehuda Sussman
Rabbi Joel Tessler
Rabbi Mordechai Torczyner
Rabbi Jacob Traub
Rabbi Zach Truboff
Mrs. Dara Unterberg
Rabbi Michael Unterberg
Rabbi Dr. Avie Walfish
Dr. Dina Weiner
Rabbi Ezra Weiner
Ms. Sara Weinerman
Rabbi David Wolkenfeld
Rabbi Elie Weinstock
Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz
Rabbi Alan Yuter
Rabbi Josh Yuter
Dr. Yael Ziegler
Rabbi Dr. Stuart Zweiter

Posted by Nati Helfgot at 7:26 AM

"Your son loves you enough to have shared with you who he is."

2010-06-06T16:00:00.006-04:00

It's been quite a while since I have written. In my last post from March, I wrote about attending a book reading by K. David Brody as he launched his book "Mourning and Celebration".

A little background....David Brody contacted me after I had written to his rabbi in Montreal. His Rabbi, Adam Scheier, was one of the rabbis who responded to my email. He passed this blog onto the author, who in turn contacted me.

Here is his letter to me. I hope he doesn't mind that I am publishing it, but it is so warm and from the heart, that I feel compelled to share it with you.

Enjoy the book.

All the best.

Saul David

Dear Saul David:

First, I want to say that my heart goes out to you and parents in your situation. I’ll just say the words that come straight into my mind: what a “chillul Hashem” that, because of a variant in human nature, parents should feel ashamed of the life they have brought into this world. The circumstances are so much akin to anti-Semitism – unreasonable hate for what we are, not for what we do – and the “rationalization” is that which caused the Holocaust. After all, homosexuals were in the camps with the Jews.

I am now a senior citizen (hate that phrase – I feel only 14), but I am so glad that I resisted the temptation to “come out” to my parents when I was a teenager. At that time, with their best intentions in mind, I would probably have been subjected to shock therapy, which would have ruined my life.

Today, I am not “proud” to be gay, I just am. In my teenage years, I vowed that if I could ever help other young people to avoid the anguish I suffered, merely because I was gay, I would do so. My book is part of that effort. From a young man terrified of discovery, I am now telling total strangers that I am a gay Orthodox Jew, and earning respect for it. Unbelievable! I also lead a very fulfilling life.

I want to share my “credentials” with you: in my childhood, my father, z”l, was a shochet, a part-time chazan and the principal of an after-school Jewish academy in London, UK. I now live in Montreal, and my rabbi, Rabbi Adam Scheier of Shaar Hashomayim, a man wise beyond his years, passed me your blog, which I read entirely on Friday afternoon. I had planned to write to you today, regardless of your e-mail to me.

I don’t know where you are located, but if you are also in Montreal, on the evening of Tuesday, February 23, I plan to give a talk at Shaar Hashomayim on Growing Up Orthodox and Gay, part of their Tuesday evening lecture series. If you can attend, I would like very much to meet you. You can even still call yourself “Saul David”!

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please do not be disappointed in your son. He loves you enough to have shared with you who he is. It’s a different world today. Had I been born ten or twenty years later, for sure I would have even had children of my own. And we are so lucky to be living in Canada.

I hope your son is receiving the support he needs from you, and that you will share my book with him.

My website address is www.mourningandcelebration.com

Kol tuv,

David

Be well.

Saul David

"We have met the enemy......and he is us" - Walt Kelly

2010-03-02T20:26:00.003-05:00

"Remember...after you left Egypt - how, undeterred by fear of God, he surprised you on the march, when you were famished and weary, and cut down all the stragglers in your rear."

A few weeks after the YU symposium I tried an experiment. I sent emails to about 20 rabbis across North America. Those who I heard were somewhat Modern Orthodox or who may have had a specific interest in gay issues. In the title bar I wrote "On being gay in the modern Orthodox world - this may be of interest to you and your congregants."

I received a response from three rabbis. Two of them were from Montreal and the other was from St. Louis. The rest were silent.

The rabbi from St. Louis asked me if I was receiving responses as a result of the symposium and how my son was faring. (He doesn't know me or my son.) One rabbi from Montreal asked me if I am ever in that city and if so, he would like to meet me and discuss the issue of being gay in the modern Orthodox world. The other rabbi passed my name onto a gentleman who recently wrote a book about growing up gay in an Orthodox home and invited me to his shul to hear the man speak.

I subsequently received a very nice email from the author telling me that he read the blog and that I "should not judge my son too harshly." He also invited me to hear him speak at his book launch.

Isn't it interesting that from all the emails I sent out, to Los Angeles, New York/New Jersey area, St. Louis, Montreal, Toronto and Boston, I only heard from 3 rabbis of 2 communities. I believe that the communities of Montreal and St. Louis are similar in that they are not heavily divided along religious lines. They share the need to stand together.

I scheduled a business meeting in Montreal to coincide with the book launch. After the evening's event, the Rabbi, the Rebbitizin, the author and I went out for a nice, long cup of coffee. It was a pleasure to meet and talk so openly. I also met with the other rabbi as well. We had a lovely discussion.

What a shame that other rabbis could not be so open, welcoming and so forthcoming.

Maybe there is hope for us after all.

Be well.

Saul David

PS. After I finish reading the book I will tell you the name and author.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye" - Miss Piggy

2010-01-21T23:29:00.005-05:00

Did you ever hear the joke about..............

One Friday morning a woman meekly knocks on the door to her rabbi's study. In her hand is a bowl of freshly made chopped liver. The rabbi is busy learning, and not wanting to disturb him she places the bowl of chopped liver (which happens to be garnished with crackers) on the rabbi's desk, and stands patiently until the rabbi is ready to speak to her.

Being totally absorbed in his studies, the rabbi gets a whiff of the chopped liver and begins to dip the crackers into the liver. Before long he finishes eating the whole bowl of chopped liver along with the crackers. He finally notices his guest and asks her what she wants.

The woman is barely able to speak to the rabbi. When she musters up the courage she says, "Rabbi, I came to ask you if the chopped liver which I prepared in my kitchen is kosher?"

The rabbi looks at the empty bowl, looks up at the woman, looks at the empty bowl again...and dusting the crumbs off his beard announces "It's kosher!"

Not funny!

I am quite angry, having heard that gay men are being refused as "eidim" because they are deemed to be "not kosher" witnesses. This was mentioned at the YU symposium and my son admitted the same thing to me.

For it seems that the label "kosher" may very well be in the eye of the beholder.

Follow this thread...........

My wife was applying to the local Vaad Hakashruth for a hechsher for her store. To meet the criteria one must get a letter from the rabbi of an Orthodox shul attesting to the fact that the owner of the store is Shomer Shabbos and attends an Orthodox shul. She got the hechsher.

Lately, we have been attending a minyan once a month that is egalitarian. Some women leyn and some daven.

I would doubt if the people in charge of the Vaad Hakashruth would consider this to be a "kosher" minyan, or even an "orthodox" minyan. Furthermore, I wonder what the Orthodox establishment would call the rabbi who has sanctioned and is leading this minyan.

Do you think he would be refused as an "eyd" because of his non-kosher activities?

I guess it's all in the eye of the beholder.

By the way.....this is the same rabbi who disqualified my son as an "eyd".

Be well.

Saul David

"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" - Howard Beale

2010-01-08T14:25:00.004-05:00

Since the symposium, "On Being Gay in the Orthodox World" at Yeshiva University, I have been struggling, to be honest. People have been writing me, asking what my thoughts are, and last week I wrote that I would not step into the fray until the dust settles.

Then I read a letter posted by "a father" whose son came out to him after the symposium. I will copy and paste the letter at the end of this posting.

So here goes........

I am not going to get involved in all the discussions that have been going on as to the halakhic issues, what's right and what's wrong, why do they have to talk about it, why do they have to make this public, abominations, etc. I have been through all that before and I have written about it over the last two years.

But having read the letter from this "father" who is new to this struggle, I have decided to get back to basics, back to what this blog started out as.....simply a forum for parents to discuss what they are going through, how they feel and how to cope and best serve their children. I began this blog as a starting point for all of us to help each other "navigate these uncharted waters".

So back to basics.

When I first read the transcript and saw the video of the symposium, I fell into a deep depression. Watching these young men tell their heart-wrenching story brought back all of the raw feelings I went through two years ago. The day after the symposium, my wife and I went to Florida, but all wounds were re-opened and we spent the best part of the next seven days talking about our son. We did not socialize with anyone. We kept pretty much to ourselves.

It has been hard to shake this feeling.

I received an email this week from a psychiatrist in New York who has counselled gay people. She asked me how I was doing, in light of the symposium, and I relayed a story to her that was told to me by a middle-aged man who we met at a PFLAG meeting. We met this man in our second meeting with PFLAG with everything fresh in our minds. My wife asked him if and when it ever gets easier. He responded to her "each time you tell someone that you are gay, it's like coming out over and over and over again."

So to answer those people who have asked what my reaction is to the YU symposium. This is my reaction. It is as if my son has come out over again. I am sad. I am angry. I am hurt. And I am in pain.

I am sad for my son. Even though he is doing fine, this was not his choice and he should not have to be struggling like these young men.

I am angry at the hypocrisy. After the symposium, my son told me that he too was not allowed to be an "Eyd" at a wedding because he was not deemed to be "kosher".

I am hurt because the people who should understand are just not there.

And I am in pain, just because.

I have chosen not to comment on the specifics of the issue because I think that people like "dovbear" are doing a great job. What more is there to say about the issue.

The fact is that these young men and women were created a certain way and they have chosen to try to continue to live their lives in an Orthodox, Torah-True way. Isn't it ironic that their choice is to choose the most difficult path, to be accepted by those who refuse to accept them.

We are all created in ways that pose challenges to us. We all have problems that were not of our choosing. I have a friend who lost her baby on the delivery table. I have another friend whose baby boy died when he was a month old. I have a freind who lost her child to Tay-Sachs at two years old. I have a friend who son was born with a severe disability. The list goes on and on. We have all been faced with heart-breaking situations which were not our choice.

When my son was at his worst and lowest state, in a terrible depression and suffering from physical ailments as well...we were afraid that he may have had leukemia, I told a friend that I would rather he be gay then lose him to a terrible disease.

So let's get this blog back to basics. It began as a forum for parents whose children are gay. Let's all help each other.

Be well.

Saul David

PS. Here is the letter........

Dear Saul David,

Thank you so much for your blog - our son told us about two weeks ago, at the same time as it became relevant for us. One way I have dealt with the news is by composing the open letter attached below.

A father
--------------------
“A conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged by reality.” That well-worn line occurred to me as I reflected on the debate over the Wurzweiler panel on gays and Orthodoxy.
Any honest discussion of this issue must start with a basic truth: being gay is not something that people choose. This is both a scientific fact and an intuitively true statement. As a friend of mine put it, why would a person raised in an Orthodox Jewish community, who desperately wants to remain an Orthodox Jew, choose a sexual orientation that threatens to ostracize him from that community and that risks a life of loneliness and despair? Unfortunately, it is clear from the statements made by the Roshei Yeshiva following the Wurzweiler panel that they do not accept this basic truth. This refusal is evidenced by their use of such phrases as “those who profess homosexuality” and by comparisons of gays to shoplifters who need to control their urge to steal. It would be bad enough if this refusal to see the obvious merely dishonored our obligation to seek truth and justice and disgraced the Torah. The actual harm is far worse than this, though: it causes deep mental – and, in some cases, life-threatening – anguish for untold numbers of Orthodox Jews and drives thousands away from a community whose embrace as human beings and fellow Jews they yearn for.
The same Torah that condemns mishkav zachar tells us “mi’dvar sheker tirchak” – abhor falsehood – and to love our fellow Jew. And when Hillel was asked to summarize the Torah while the heathen was standing on one foot, he chose a variant of the last, not the first, of those statements as our faith’s fundamental principle: “What is hateful to you, do not do unto others.”
Which brings us back to our opening line: “A conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged by reality.” When – not if, because it is inevitable – one of those Roshei Yeshiva learns that a talmid muvhak or a close family member is gay, he will have been mugged by reality. And we will then be able to say that “a tolerant Rosh Yeshiva is an intolerant one who’s been mugged by reality” – we will then have a Rosh Yeshiva who will realize, with pellucid clarity, that sexual orientation is not a choice. He will then understand – and hopefully help others to understand – that, when given a choice between violating “mi’dvar sheker tirchak” – denying the undeniable – and keeping “ve’ohavta le’rei’acha kamocha” – loving your fellow Jew as yourself – the latter is to be loudly proclaimed as preferable to the former.
We welcome discussion of the issues – the halachic, hashkafic, and social ones – as long as the discussion is based on the unflinching truth: the truth of life which is, ultimately, the truth of Torah.

January 7, 2010 10:30 PM

"Yadati beni Yadati - I know, my son, I know" - Breishit (Genesis) 48:19

2010-01-03T00:22:00.002-05:00

Why did Jacob have to repeat the words "I know" and what does this have to do with being a parent of a gay child?

By blessing the younger child first, Jacob is about to teach future generations a valuable lesson. On one level he is teaching that one's actions and character matter more than birth order in achieving success and one's blessings in life. Jacob's first "Yadati" comes from his firsthand knowledge and experience that life does not necessarily play out the way we want it to.

Jacob's second "Yadati" is a form of prophecy as to what is ahead for his family and the nation as a whole. As we complete the reading of the Book of Breishit, the saga moves from the individual to the family and onto the national. What Jacob is foreseeing is a period of hardship, slavery and affliction, but with an ultimate redemption.

I have been asked what my opinion is on what has been going on at YU over the last two weeks. I have watched the video and I have read the transcripts. I have met some of those young men who spoke that eventful evening. I wrote Rabbi Blau and President Joel thanking them for their courage for allowing this event to take place. I watched the video of Rabbi Twersky and I have been reading the comments posted on some of the relevant blogs.

I would like to wait for some of the dust to settle before getting into the fray.

Heed these five words from this week's pasha. "I know, my son, I know"

To these young men who stood before the world and bared their souls and life experiences. You "know" that life did not turn out the way it was supposed to and you "know" that you can expect a life of hardship and affliction. My hope is that you will be redeemed at some point.

To the so-called "experts" who think they know....learn something from Yaakov. He blessed the younger child first. Yaakov was sending a message that one's actions and character are more deserving of a blessing than any perceived meritocracy.

Be well.

Saul David

"Hello, Is There Anybody In There, Just Nod If You Can Hear Me..." Pink Floyd

2009-12-28T08:42:00.004-05:00

When I began to write this blog, I responded to the comments.

Then I was told by some people that it is improper etiquette to do so.
So I stopped responding to the comments.

But lately I have been reading other blogs and I have noticed that some bloggers respond to comments.

I actually think it is a good thing to respond to comments. It shows that I am reading what my readers have to say. And it creates a dialogue. I didn't start writing this just to be heard. I started to write so that maybe I can make a difference.

So from now on, I will try my best to respond to comments. Obviously, not every comment would need a response.

Let's just play it be ear and see how it goes.

Thank you.

Be well.

SD

"Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants." Justice Louis D. Brandeis

2009-12-27T00:28:00.002-05:00

"Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants, electric light the most efficient policeman," was a quote by Supreme Court Justice, Louis D. Brandeis referring to the benefits of openness and transparency. And this week, the Orthodox Jewish community was bathed in its own sunlight.

On Tuesday night, December 22nd, Yeshiva University and The Wurzweiler School of Social Work hosted a symposium titled "Being Gay in the Orthodox World." It was the largest turnout which the school of Social Work ever had. Some estimates were as high as 800, with many more clamoring to get into the hall.

The event itself was important. It proves that Yeshiva University is truly an institute of higher learning in that it has allowed controversial issues to be made public and debated in a calm and respectful manner. The institution deserves a tremendous amount of credit and respect for its courage.

But there is something greater than the event itself. It took a tremendous amount of courage for those four young men to stand before the entire world and tell their story. In spite of the fact that Rabbi Blau, the symposium's moderator, asked that the event not be recorded or transcribed, within 24 hours, there was a written transcript and a video of the event.

What a way to be outed!

I have a friend who is a YU grad and a practicing rabbi. I asked him what he thought of the event. This is what he wrote to me....

"The importance of the panel was, it is now, in some form, publically acknowledged there are gays at YU and other places and at least in that forum, they want people to know their struggle. It was gutsy to go public for the panelists and Rabbi Blau. All they asked for was the recognition of the struggle, and that they want to be part of and certainly, practice in, the Orthodox community. And if their voices open up doors for others, and relieve needless suffering among parents and kids, then something major was accomplished.

It may be hard for the parents, but they do not have to hide. Their children's story have been told.

The challenge is the real anguish people have endured in coming out. I do not know how to balance it, but it's better for everyone to be public and not underground. And make some room for those who love Judaism, are committed to it, and also just want to be respected for who they are and not as pariahs."

We heard about the symposium the day after it took place. A woman came into my wife's store and told her about the event. This woman had never been in the store before, but she had heard from her daughter that our son is gay.

Just before I started drafting this particular post, I emailed my son and asked him what he has heard about the symposium. He said he is receiving emails from people who heard about the symposium and want to know how to deal with telling their parents.

Halakha is not the issue here.

The issue is how to find a place in the community for people who want to be in the community. The fact that my son is being asked how to cope and deal with parents is a sign that these "kids" still want to be "our" kids. They don't want to be pushed away or shunned by their parents. All they want is to be understood and loved.

Brandeis was correct.

Be well.

Saul David

"Come congressmen, senators throughout the land and don't criticize what you don't understand" - Bob Dylan

2009-12-24T23:57:00.008-05:00

This past Tuesday evening, at Yeshiva University, a symposium was held entitled "Being Gay in an Orthodox World." It was hosted by The School of Social Work and it was chaired by Rabbi Blau.

I will provide you with two links to the event. One is a link to a blog in which the author, Chana, claims that she has written a transcript of the event. We might not have known whether the transcript was accurate or not. But when you connect to the second link, you will have the opportunity the watch a video of the event.

Before the panelist came on to speak, Rabbi Blau specifically asked that recordings and videos not be taken for fear that snippets be used out of context.

You be the judge.

I will comment some more on this symposium in the near future.

In the meantime....

Be well.

Saul David

Here are the links.........

http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2009/12/being-gay-in-orthodox-world.html

http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2009/12/being-gay-in-orthodox-world.html

"I hope the day comes, and soon, when this is not a story" - Brian Burke

2009-11-26T07:31:00.002-05:00

A faithful reader (and hockey fan) to this blog sent me an article that was published in the Toronto Star on November 25, 2009.

SD

A SON'S SECRET. A FATHER'S LOVE.

Brian Burke loves telling stories about his kids, all six of them. Of his son Brendan, he in particular loves telling one from years ago when the boy was just 3 and the family went to Florida.

"So we're on the bus going to get our rental car and Brendan's going from family to family, introducing himself, saying we're from Vancouver and is this their first time in Florida?" Burke recalled Tuesday, laughing at the memory.

"It was like he was running for mayor. But that's him. He's special. People trust him immediately. He has a very sweet side that I envy because I don't have it.

"I just wish every parent could experience having a child like him."

Brendan's now 20, set to turn 21 next month, and the hockey world learned Tuesday that he's gay through a powerful and poignant story published online on ESPN.com, written by writer/broadcaster John Buccigross, a friend of the Burke family.

Burke, the president and general manager of the Maple Leafs and one of the best-known figures in all of hockey, learned of his son's sexual orientation at Christmas 2007. He knew ahead of time that his son, a student at the University of Miami (Ohio) and a student worker on the school's highly regarded hockey team, had spoken to Buccigross and that a story was to be released Tuesday afternoon.

"The feedback has been awesome," Burke said Tuesday, about three hours after the story was first posted. "My emails have been off the charts."

At the same time, however, Burke believes there will be those who won't embrace the family love inherent in his acceptance of his son's orientation or of Brendan's decision to go public with his sexuality. Burke remembered that when he was in California in November to vote in the U.S. presidential election – he voted for Barack Obama – he was aggressively confronted by anti-gay activists protesting a same-sex marriage proposition on the California ballot.

"I told them to (expletive) get lost," said Burke, who also voted for the proposition. "But over the next two weeks, yeah, I expect to get some hate mail over today's story. There is going to be a backlash. All I care about is if Brendan is prepared for it. It takes jam to do what he's done."

Brendan Burke, a former goalie, analyzes video and does stats for the Miami team, currently ranked No. 1 in the NCAA. The team's coach, Enrico Blasi, and the rest of the team first learned of Brendan's secret after the Frozen Four last spring.

"I think having Brendan as part of our program has been a blessing," Blasi told ESPN.com. "We are much more aware of what you say and how you say it."

Brendan isn't sure of his future plans, but seeing as how his older brother, Patrick, is a scout for the Philadelphia Flyers, a career in hockey is certainly an option. That said, there are no openly gay individuals working in hockey operations in any of the major pro or amateur leagues.

"Honestly, as a father, I can say I would rather it was some other kid blazing this trail," said Brian Burke, himself one of 10 children. "But only because of the negativism that may come of it. I support Brendan completely.

"But I guess I wish maybe he was second."

In the ESPN.com piece, Brendan Burke indicated he quit high school hockey because of what he perceived to be overt homophobia in the dressing room. He said the support of not only his family but also of Miami's hockey organization made his decision to come out easier.

"Imagine if I was in the opposite situation, with a family that wouldn't accept me, working for a sports team where I knew I couldn't come out because I'd be fired or ostracized," Brendan Burke told ESPN.com.

"People in that situation deserve to know that they can feel safe, that sports isn't all homophobic and that there are plenty of people in sports who accept people for who they are."

His father understands that because of his reputation as a hard-nosed, black-and-blue executive who extols the virtues of fighting in hockey, this story will ring even more powerfully to many parents and families.

"I've got six kids, I drive a truck, I own a shotgun and I chew tobacco, so sure, this adds a different dimension," he said. "This isn't about me and it isn't about the GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs. It's about a young man who has done something that takes a lot of courage.

"But if my acceptance can turn into more acceptance on the part of other people, that's great."

Part of that acceptance was calling his son and inviting him to come to Toronto to experience this year's Gay Pride Parade.

"A few people recognized me and said hello," said Burke. "I would have marched in it if I'd known more about it. I'll march next year if I'm asked."

All to demonstrate a father's love of a son who no longer has to live a secret.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Saul David

"We defend the integrity of our religious beliefs" - Anonymous

2009-11-19T00:04:00.001-05:00

The Gay Question:

Time for Modern Orthodoxy to Take Off the Blindfold

By Unknown

Print this article

Published: Sunday, November 1, 2009

Updated: Sunday, November 8, 2009

The scientific mentality and socially liberal outlook of our times has tried the viability of many ancient religious doctrines. In our Modern Orthodox community, we proudly (and hopefully modestly) maintain that our religious beliefs don't run counter to our rational tendencies. Science enriches and adorns our religious lives. Our halachic worldview is imbued with true morality. Discrepancies between modern moral standards and the Torah's edicts are explainable, and don't truly oppose the moral backbone of contemporary society. However, one pressing issue facing the modern world, one which has applied uncomfortable pressure to the Orthodox world, has been shamefully swept under the rug. The moral and religious dilemma that this issue poses has not yet been dealt with in an adequate fashion. That issue is homosexuality.

The number of openly gay individuals in the secular community overwhelmingly outweighs the number of openly gay individuals in our Orthodox community. If we assume that sexuality is not a matter of choice (the most accepted approach today) then we are confronted with an unsettling question: Is it really possible that the Orthodox world breeds fewer people wrought with the inner conflict of sexual identity? Probably not. It seems, rather, that Orthodox individuals grappling to balance their sexual desires, religious values, and social pressures are either forced into hidden lives of suffering or are driven from the derech of Orthodox life altogether in search of happiness elsewhere. Of those who stay in the Orthodox fold, many fall into marriages racked with complications, while others remain single, living bitter lives of quiet desperation. Of those who fall away from Orthodoxy, many are estranged from their families and friends, harboring a deep resentment for the Orthodox community's failure to help them and their loved ones with a painful issue. Allowing such heartache to continue in our midst without open and honest discussion of this issue amongst rabbinical leaders and laymen is a failure to engage in the obligation of tikkun olam and a callous neglect of individual suffering.

I have firsthand experience with the tribulation and confusion that mark the life of an Orthodox, gay individual. I am a member of the Mazer Yeshiva Program in my first year in YU, and I am gay. At age eleven I knew I was gay; it was a realization marked by the same innocence of a fifth grader who has a crush on a pretty girl in class. Since the age of fourteen, I have known that I would eventually have to face unpleasant truths in dealing with my supposedly divergent identities. I am comfortable with myself, but uncertain of the best way to tackle the next few years of my life. I have no long-term plan.

It is a constant struggle to determine what the Creator wants from me. Do I remain in the closet and single for the rest of my life? That doesn't sit well with me. Should I come out and remain single? Should I look for a relationship with a guy with whom I will have no physical contact? Is that possible? Will I someday unceremoniously collapse from the pressure and end up not frum but in a fulfilling relationship? These questions race through my mind in a perpetual cycle every day of my life. The thought of telling my family that I am gay – and probably incapable of getting married and having children – is one that douses me with waves of paralyzing fear. How does anyone bring heartbreak to unsuspecting loved ones ill-equipped to cope with the issue at hand? How does a family cope with the homosexuality of a loved one in a community where the issue is stigmatized and worthy only of hushed, whispered discussions? My situation is not unique. The questions I confront and the distress my family would face if I let them in on my secret are only the beginning of the struggle for all Orthodox, gay individuals.

Ultimately, I am not just writing to raise awareness and lambaste our collective treatment of the issue. I am writing with a rough proposal. Last year, a heart-wrenching testimony was published anonymously in Kol Hamevaser (II:4) by another gay Yeshiva University student. The author highlighted both the existence of gays in the Orthodox world, and the inconspicuous nature of their presence amongst the most frum crowds. He thought that marriage was the most preferable, though seemingly evasive, solution to his problem. Although I salute his strength and conviction, and firmly align myself with his call to awaken others to our existence, I disagree with several facets of his approach. First, the option of marriage for a gay individual is one which demands wary and cautious endorsement. I am cynical about the possibility for success in a heterosexual marriage tainted by homosexual tendencies. The fact that the Orthodox community has historically adopted this approach is problematic. Do we really want to encourage people to enter sexually dysfunctional marriages? Second, I think that the author failed to pressure the Orthodox community to take concrete action in addressing the needs of all individuals faced with the challenge of being gay.

I want to suggest a few baby steps we can take towards helping people like me. The first step we must take towards helping gay men and women in our communities is waking up our leaders. The time has come for our rabbinic leadership to realize that gays are as common in the Jewish community as they are in the secular community. If the rabbinic leadership shuts their eyes and ears, they will not make gays disappear. They will not make me disappear. It is an immature and destructive way to deal with a real problem. I urge the rebbeim of Yeshiva University and other rabbinic leaders to recognize our existence, and to take a proactive role in organizing open discussion of the issue of homosexuality. The attitude of cavalier indifference must come to an end in our community.

This will pave the way for the second, and most important, step I am proposing. We need to eliminate the stigma. In the secular world, interacting with gays and discussing gay issues has become mainstream. I think we need to follow that example. That is not to suggest that we need to accept or embrace homosexual behavior. But we need to cultivate an atmosphere of acceptance and open discussion. If we sincerely work towards this objective, we will create an environment where those confronted with this issue will feel comfortable expressing themselves. Then, we can weave support networks focused on finding comfortable solutions for affected individuals and families. This would be following the model that we embrace for all other communal problems.

The last suggestion I want to make is the creation of a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) on campus. I am, admittedly, a bit skeptical about this last suggestion, but I am curious of the results. GSAs are prevalent on campuses across the country. They are not only found on college campuses, but in high schools and middle schools as well. They promote the comfort of gay members of the school and nurture a sensitive, accepting environment. GSAs also create a forum for discussion of gay issues and concerns. The beauty of a GSA is that it can be started by a straight activist. In fact, all the members can be straight. On our campus, in particular, if someone had the guts to start one, and many people joined it, gays would feel comfortable joining under the veil of being straight. A GSA could become the mainspring in provoking progress on our treatment of homosexuality.

Hopefully, I have drawn some ears and prodded some hearts in Yeshiva University and the Modern Orthodox community at large. Properly dealing with homosexuality in our community will accomplish more than meets the eye. We would be performing a tremendous act of chessed for countless suffering individuals, both in the present and in the future. We would decrease the number of gay individuals that fall away from Orthodox life because they don't see futures for themselves in our communities. We will alleviate the pain of families who have nowhere to turn in dealing with homosexuality. And, finally, we would be true to our own Modern Orthodox values. By honestly approaching the realities we are confronted with and finding ways for our divinely dictated halachic system to solve the issues at hand, we defend the integrity of our religious beliefs. Through an honest and intensive search for the best solution to the gay question we can end a dishonorable period of apathy, and infuse Torah life with fresh credibility and esteem.

"Old situations, new complications...something happened on the way..."

2009-08-28T08:18:00.002-04:00

A funny thing happened a few days ago.

We were visiting my son this week. As he and I were standing in line in a restaurant on 33rd Street, waiting to pay for some take-out, I was asking him some questions about his relationships and those of his friends.

I then asked "are Moishie and Berl dating?"

Being a little hard of hearing, I may have spoken a bit too loud.

The gentleman in front of us turned around, and with a look of utter astonishment looked us up and down, and left the line shaking his head.

I burst out laughing. This was my first experience.

"Something appealing, something appalling, something for everyone: a comedy tonight."

Be well.

Saul David

"The Awesome, Who shows no favor and takes no bribe, but upholds the cause of the fatherless and the widow and befriends the stranger..." Devarim10:17

2009-08-09T17:27:00.005-04:00

In yesterday's d'var Torah, our rabbi spoke about the importance of all of us accepting all of klal yisroel and the rest of the world. It would be the utmost act of piety.

At the kiddush, I went over to the rabbi and told him how much I liked what he said.

Then I told him that I have an issue that I would like to discuss with him.

I stated that when a Palestinian storms a yeshiva and kills young men, we say tehillim and kel maaleh rachamim and hold rallies all over the city.

When a Charedi storms a youth center which happens to be a refuge for gay kids, not a word is spoken in synagogue, not a prayer is made for the wounded or killed, no kel maaleh rachamim is chanted, no tehillim are read.

His response to me was that he was on vacation last weekend without an internet connection so he did not hear anything about it.

I said that his response saddens me even more because if it was deemed a terrorist attack then even without an internet connection, he would have heard the news.

Shame.

SD

"There was a shooting in Tel Aviv, but I wasn't there OR How I was almost outed by my mother"

2009-08-05T20:41:00.005-04:00

Last Saturday night there was a shooting in a gay drop in center in Tel Aviv.

My son is currently in Israel and he sent his family a short email stating that he is ok and he was not in Tel Aviv during the shooting.

Shabbat ended late. We had to get up very early the next morning to catch a plane to attend a family simcha and all we received was this quick and cryptic note on my blackberry as we were sitting on board the plane.

We weren't aware what had transpired in Tel Aviv.

Later on, as we were sitting at a table with my in-laws and my wife's siblings, all of whom don't know that our son is gay (or so we think), my wife asked if anyone heard what happened in Israel because "we received an email from our son that he wasn't there and he is ok."

My brother-in-law said that there was a shooting at a gay bar in Tel Aviv and everyone looked at us with an expression of "why would he be at a gay bar in Tel Aviv?"

Ooops.

Be well

SD

"Halakhic lines may have been blurred, but not crossed."

2009-07-09T08:29:00.003-04:00

And we're back.

It has been several months since I have posted to my blog. I apologize. Allow me to explain.

Firstly, I have been too busy to write because of the economy. I've been working long days and I have not had the time to devote to this important endeavor.

Secondly, and more significantly, I have not written lately because our lives have become more normal as we have all adjusted.

Frankly, I have been unwilling to write for fear of boring my readers.

So here is an update as to what has been going on.

The last time I wrote about my family was during Sukkoth. Since then, we spent two family vacations together. We spent winter vacation in Florida and for Pesach, we were all together in our home. During both "family" times, everyone, the parents and the siblings were calm and quite content. We had many discussions around the table ranging from family issues, politics, to halkha.
We laughed, we cried. We went through the whole range of emotions.

All is not as it should be, but we are moving forward, strong in the knowledge that our children are making adjustments in their lives.

A few things for us to ponder.............

My son approached us while we were in Florida with the proposition that since we would probably not be making him a large wedding, would we be amenable to the idea of helping him pay for a surrogate birth. He wants to have a family. My wife responded to him that just as she would be there to help our daughters after they give birth to their children she hopes to be able to do the same for him after he brings his baby home.

So, we are moving forward, hoping for the best.

We still face painful days, but we get through them. Recently, someone came into my wife's shop and told her that everyone in our community now knows that our son is gay.

So he is out.

This person continued the conversation by telling my wife what a wonderful person our son is and that she understands what we are going through because her brother is gay. The unfortunate thing is that he could never adjust to his reality and has lived a life hidden and depressed.

Not for us.

Be well.

SD

PS. The quote? There is a scandal in our community and it centers around our rabbi. The same person who told us that people should not judge our son. The quote is what he said to the congregation.

"I am the courageous voice that has spoken for a group that lives isolated and in hiding."

2009-03-13T16:55:00.008-04:00

A friend of mine sent me the following article. He thought I might find it interesting.

I did find it interesting, but also quite painful to read.

It is anonymously written by a gay student at Yeshiva University. It articulates the struggle he is facing. As a parent of a gay child, it is an important article to read, to gain an understanding of the trials our children face and the loneliness our children feel, on a daily basis.

SD

A Burning Fire and a River of Tears: One Day in My Shoes

By: Anonymous

Posted: 2/6/09

Editor’s note: This article was submitted anonymously to protect the student’s identity and allow him to discuss the topic openly.

I wake up to a buzzing alarm clock signaling the arrival of another day and head out to daven. I concentrate as hard as I can and ask Hashem for help to face another day. I am the typical YU student. I go to morning seder, lunch, shiur, and then my secular classes. I am still the typical YU student. I sit down for supper, go to night seder, and then to Ma’ariv. Am I really the typical YU student? I spend my nights studying for the next day of classes; I work hard for my grades, but still find some time to spend with my friends. But as I get ready to put my head down for the night, exhausted from a trying day, I know that I am not the typical YU student; Hashem has given me the challenge of challenges, a challenge that leaves me muffling my cries on a tear-stained pillow as I slowly fall asleep.

Each of us has a challenge in the world, a roadblock on the highway of life that challenges us to become the best we can be. We are given these tests to help shape our character and to become masters of our desires, whatever they are. Whether the test is keeping Shabbat or learning afternoon seder between classes, we are all given a test in life. My own challenge keeps me up at night, preoccupies my thoughts during the day, and leaves me feeling like I am walking down a somber road in a lonely world: I am a religious Jew, living in the observant Jewish world, faced with the challenge of being a homosexual.

The Torah in two places [i] tells us that the act of homosexuality is an abomination, and under no circumstance is one to perform this act, even when faced with death as the only alternative. This is because the act of homosexuality is likened to that of bestiality and adultery and is looked upon in the most severe of manners. There is little reference otherwise to homosexuality in the Torah and Talmud, although at the end of Masechet Kiddushin[ii] we are told that two men are prohibited from sleeping under the same blanket for fear of possible homosexual relations taking place. The Gemara there, however, states that this ruling no longer applies, as such acts were practically unheard-of during that era. Little other halachic information is available from these early sources on this topic, although some stories are related in the Gemara and several biblical Midrashim.

Before homosexuality started to become an acceptable alternative lifestyle in modern society, as is so visibly flaunted today, the idea of permitting homosexuality within Judaism was unheard-of. Despite the fact that homosexuality is clearly labeled by the Torah as an abomination, some people have, within the last several years, started making arguments to try to find loopholes for its permissibility. Homosexuality is labeled by the Torah as an abomination and there are no infallible arguments against it. “How can Hashem expect us to live our lives as celibates, as two consenting adults we should be allowed to live our lives the way we want in order to find true happiness” is often an argument put forth to the Jewish community. ““Love,” , “fulfillment,” “exploitative,” “meaningful”- the list itself sounds like a lexicon of emotionally charged terms drawn at random from the disparate sources of both Christian and psychologically-oriented agnostic circles?[iii] wrote Rabbi Dr. Norman Lamm in the nineteen seventies, and went in depth to prove that these arguments would permit any sexual relationships in today’s society, removing all sexual morality from today’s society.

As a religious Jew, I have always put Torah values at the center of my beliefs. Never would I dream of trying to say that homosexuality is permissible; I know that there is something intrinsically wrong with such an act. That is certainly not to say, however, that it is not a challenge for me. Attraction, whether to a man or to a woman, is not something that one can control. The fact that I have certain desires – which I would purge from my life in a second if I had the ability – is something that I cannot change. They leave me with feelings of solitude, despair, depression, and, alas, excitement.

Am I an abomination? Does Hashem look at me with disgust and loathing, as I feel so many people would if my struggle be known, as so many people do look at “open” religious Jewish homosexuals today? When one looks closely, the verse in Vayikra labels the homosexual act as an abomination – but only the act. The perpetrators are people, people who are challenged and who do not know how to control their desires – desires that so many of them pray they never had. British Chief Rabbi Sir Jonathan Sacks explains clearly that the Torah “does not condemn homosexual disposition, because the Torah does not speak about what we are, but what we do.”[iv]

However, within the Orthodox Jewish context, few people recognize this. While many today have corrupted general society, leaving it with the notion that once someone is gay, then they will eventually “come out” and live that “alternative lifestyle,” this is impossible for an Orthodox Jew to accept. As such, I have hidden throughout my lifetime – today I do and in high school I did. I hid in fear that I would be ostracized and excommunicated from the Jewish community. I stood alone as a frightened fifteen-year-old boy, not trying to discretely act on my desires, yet also unable to call out and ask for help to rid myself of them. I stood frightened and didn’t know where to turn. I always wanted to find a wife and raise a family as an Orthodox man. I did not know how I would ever be able to do that, but I knew, and still know, that that is the life I am destined to live. I knew that one day I would need to tell someone about my feelings, step out from my hidden world of shadows, and ask for help.

It took me five years to gain the courage to reach that petrifying moment. After many months of praying and introspecting, I eventually reached the point not where I wanted to tell someone, but where I was prepared to do so. That moment had been the most horrifying and dreaded thought in my mind for so many years. I had prepared for the worst possible outcome, no doubt because of Hollywood’s portrayal of the heroic homosexual being shunned by a once-loving family. I readied myself to be thrown away by a towering figure pointing out in the distance with anger and fury on his face – to watch my life disintegrate before my eyes, collapsing like a building whose structure finally gave out after years of pressure like, a house of cards falling from the force of a gust of wind. But through all this I never faltered in my determination to live a life committed to Judaism. I told myself that it did not matter what happened in my life and how anyone reacted; I was raised a frum Jew, which is my true life and real identity, and no matter what anyone said or did to me, nothing could weaken who I was.

I was not sure how my rebbe from yeshiva in Israel would react. I just expected to be sent home from the yeshivah in shame, looked upon like I was some sexual deviant. I told myself in my heart, however, that no matter how anyone reacted – even if I was told to leave my yeshivah and thrown out of my house – I was never going to act upon my desires, nor was I ever going to turn away from G-d I thank Hashem every day for the strengths He has given me. I thank Him for the rebbe He sent me, who, instead of rejecting me, stood by my side, helping me though the most awful time of my life . I thank Him for the stamina He gave me to fight a depression that nearly led me to commit suicide.

My path is unclear and even though I still stand alone, I stand armed with the will to live another day and fight to keep my beliefs alive. No matter the support I get, I stand on trial every day of my life. I do not know where my future will lead, nor how I can change my feelings. I live with a sense of frustration, knowing the goal I want to reach but lacking the tools to arrive there. What must I do to be able to marry a woman? What must I share with my future partner? How can I even bring myself to tell her this hidden secret? I do not know if it is fair to ask someone to live with me under these conditions, or whether I will truly be able to be happy in such a relationship. All I know is that I want to one day make marriage to a woman work – to love her and have her love me back. I want to watch her walk down to the chuppah in the most beautiful wedding dress, with tears of happiness and joy in her eyes, as I know there will be in mine. I know that I want to stand with her supporting her through the hard times that we will go through, and be there for her always. I see this vision in my future, but I have so many questions that have no answers.

I know that I have a goal that I hold onto every day, but I live trying to cope with an everlasting sense of guilt, even though I understand that these feelings are not my fault and that this is the way my life was divinely ordained to progress. I have read through so many different experimental ideas about the root of homosexual attractions. But to me, that is all they are – ideas, possibilities that I do not think can really help in ridding me of my challenge. In fact, I do not think that I will ever be able to fully rid myself of these feelings, even when I marry and raise a family. Such knowledge is endlessly frustrating. I know where my path will lead, but I do not know how to get there. I see hope at the end of the road, but the path to it is covered by a screen of smoke and fog.

And I still live in fear. I have told a handful of people about my challenge. The results have sometimes been incredibly painful. I have had to pull away from people I had once called friends because of pain and embarrassment. I have been forced to sever relationships with close friends because of their lack of understanding and because of the hurt and confusion I have caused them. I watch my friends begin to date and to marry and question what my future holds. Will I find someone to share my life with? Will I ever really be completely happy with my decision? Am I destined to live a life alone? I want to tell my friends, to cry out to them, but I know I cannot. I know that the path that has been laid before me is one of solitude.

Rabbi Dr. Lamm once wrote that “Judaism allows for no compromise in its abhorrence of sodomy, but encourages both compassion and efforts at rehabilitation.”[v] I have told you my story and have given you a glimpse at my challenge. I do not ask you to cry with me or accept me; I only ask you to realize that I am out there. Realize that not everyone who is challenged with homosexuality is parading and protesting for equal rights. I beg you to realize this, realize that I, too, am a frum Jew, trying to live a frum life like everyone else. I stand with you in the elevators of Belfer, Furst, Muss, Morg, and Rubin. I eat lunch at your table and sit with you in class; you call me a friend. And I am not one person; I am the courageous voice that has spoken for a group that lives isolated and in hiding.

The Mishnah in Pirkei Avot 2:5 tells us to never judge someone before one has walked in his shoes. I have let you see a peek of the trial I will face for the rest of my life, and ask that you do not judge me; I ask you to understand me. I stand next to you, even if you will never know my identity and my challenge. There is a fire within me, which will always burn within me, urging me to fight and complete my destiny, which I must hide from the world. I stand next to you, even if you will never know my identity and my challenge. Many tears have flown from my heavy eyes and there will be many more. One day in my shoe, a trial that will last a lifetime.

[i] Vayikra 18:22 and 20:13

[ii] Kiddushin, 82a

[iii] Rabbi Dr. Norman Lamm, “Judaism and the Modern Attitude to Homosexuality,” in Jewish Bioethics, ed. Fred Rosner and J. David Bleich (New York: Sanhedrin Press, 1979), 209

[iv] Forward to ‘Judaism and Homosexuality’ by Rabbi Chaim Rapoport, ix

[v] Lamm, 217.

"Oy vey, my son is gay!"

2009-02-12T11:08:00.006-05:00

I apologize to anyone who has been following this blog.

I have not written anything for quite a while.

No excuses. But it's time to start writing again.

So let's begin with a little humor. Take a look at this movie trailer. My son sent it to me last night.

Be well.

Saul David

PS. If the link doesn't work go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J84NoBwOCWU

"They don't think of emotional attraction or social interaction or spiritual connectedness or deep-rooted psychological feelings."

2009-01-07T22:04:00.004-05:00

The following is an article summarizing a study which was published last week in PEDIATRICS, the official journal of the American Academy of Pediatric Medicine. It was forwarded to me by Dr. Naomi Mark.

Study: Family behavior key to health of gay youth

By LISA LEFF

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Young gay people whose parents or guardians responded negatively when they revealed their sexual orientation were more likely to attempt suicide, experience severe depression and use drugs than those whose families accepted the news, according to a new study.

The way in which parents or guardians respond to a youth's sexual orientation profoundly influences the child's mental health as an adult, say researchers at San Francisco State University, whose findings appear in Monday's journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

"Parents love their children and want the best for them," said lead researcher Caitlin Ryan, a social worker who directs the university's Family Acceptance Project. "Now that we have measured all these behaviors, we can see that some of them put youth at extremely high risk and others are wellness-promoting."

Among other findings, the study showed that teens who experienced negative feedback were more than eight times as likely to have attempted suicide, nearly six times as vulnerable to severe depression and more than three times at risk of drug use.

More significantly, Ryan said, ongoing work at San Francisco State suggests that parents who take even baby steps to respond with equanimity instead of rejection can dramatically improve a gay youth's mental health outlook.

One of the most startling findings was that being forbidden to associate with gay peers was as damaging as being physically beaten or verbally abused by their parents in terms of negative feedback, Ryan said.

In the two-part study, Ryan and her colleagues first interviewed 53 families with gay teenagers to identify 106 specific behaviors that could be considered "accepting" or "rejecting." For example, blaming a youth for being bullied at school, shielding him from other relatives or belittling her appearance for not conforming to social expectations fell into the rejecting category.

Next, they surveyed 224 white and Latino gay people between ages 21 and 25 to see which of the behaviors they had experienced growing up. The responses then were matched against the participants' recent histories of severe depression, suicide attempts, substance abuse and unsafe sexual behavior.

While the results might seem intuitive, Ryan said the study, funded by the California Endowment, was the first to establish a link between health problems in gay youths and their home environments.

She has used the information in workshops with parents and other caregivers who have strained relationships with their gay teenagers, and said many were alarmed enough to make immediate changes in their interactions.

Ryan recalled a teenage girl whose mother forced her to date a boy and sent her to live with her grandmother when she learned her daughter was a lesbian. After hearing about the connection between parental attitudes and suicide, the mother stopped arranging the dates with the boy and instead inquired about her daughter's girlfriend.

"She was really concerned," Ryan said. "She saw that her daughter had become increasingly withdrawn and that she was contributing to these feelings of isolation and sadness."

In her paper for the journal Pediatrics, Ryan recommends that medical professionals ask young patients how their families have reacted to their sexual orientations and tell parents that negative reactions may prove harmful even if well-intentioned.

Such conversations are necessary because young people have been coming out at younger ages. Consistent with other studies, the youths in Ryan's study were on average under 11 years old when they first experienced a same-sex attraction, were just over 14 when they realized they were gay and came out to their families before they had turned 16.

Doctors, in a misguided attempt to comfort parents, may tell them a child who isn't sexually active couldn't know if he were gay or not, Ryan said.

"When providers and adults and family members think of gay people, they think of sex. They don't think of emotional attraction or social interaction or spiritual connectedness or deep-rooted psychological feelings," she said.

Sten Vermund, a Vanderbilt University pediatrician who became interested in Ryan's work this summer when she presented her research at the international AIDS conference in Mexico City, agrees that doctors should be encouraged to talk with parents about responding to a child's sexual orientation in a supportive way.

"So many families of children who are gay, bisexual or transgender, particularly families of gay male youth, think that if they are tough on the kid and tell him how unsatisfactory his gay lifestyle is to the family, he will have it knocked out of him," Vermund said.

Vermund said he also was impressed by Ryan's finding that a little bit of familial acceptance could go a long way in increasing a child's chances for future happiness.

"The Southern Baptist doesn't have to become a Unitarian," he said. "Someone can still be uncomfortable with their child's sexual orientation, but if they are somewhat more accepting and do the best the can, they will do the youth a lot of good. That to me is an important message."

Something for all us parents to consider.

Saul David

On the Net:

The Family Acceptance Project,: http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/

"At what age did you choose not to be gay?" - Jon Stewart

2008-12-10T21:27:00.006-05:00

The following is a transcript of an interview with Governor Mike Huckabee from The Daily Show, which aired on December 9, 2009.

The Daily Show Transcript: Jon Stewart and Mike Huckabee Discuss Gay Marriage

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Tuesday, 9 December)

Jon Stewart: We're talking with Governor Mike Huckabee. His book is "Do The Right Thing".

We talked a little bit about fiscal conservatism in the first one - I want to talk to you about social conservatism, 'cause this is really about you wanting the Republican Party to get back to those basics and respectfully speaking, the one thing I guess I don't understand about social conservatives. I get pro life and I think that's probably their number one issue and it's very easy for me to understand it and it's very easy for me to understand that we all should work together to reduce the number, at the very least, with the goal of ending that.

The gay marriage issue and why conservatives are against it- you write that marriage is the bedrock of our society. Why would you not want more couples to buy into the stability of marriage - why would you want that precluded for an entire group of people?

Governor Huckabee: Well, marriage still means one man one woman, life relationship. I think people have a right to live any way they want to. But even anatomically- let's face it, the only way that we can create the next generation is through a male female relationship. For 5000 years of recorded human history, that's what marriage has meant. 30 states have had it on the ballot and in all 30 states, it's passed- even in states like California, that nobody would suggest are social conservatives, leading the state of California.

Stewart: 30 states had Mike Huckabee on the ballot and they went with McCain- listen, you can't trust the voters! The voters don't know!

Huckabee: But the point being, in those states, Jon, an average of 68% of the voters across America have affirmed traditional marriage- it's not that they have tried to say they're gonna ban something, as much as they're gonna affirm what has always been.

Stewart: California did ban it, in essense they said you can't get married.

Huckabee: Actually, they have reaffirmed what they had done before.

Stewart: But people got married in the interim and- then they went back and said you're not- I guess my question is. You said, reaffirming the tradition of marriage over 5000 years, which takes it back to the Old Testament, where polygamy was the norm, not a heterosexual marriage between two couple that choose each other.

Marriage has evolved greatly over those 5000 years, from a property arrangement, polygamy... we've redefined it constantly. It used to be that people of different races could not marry.
It strikes me as very convenient, to go back to the Bible and say, "Hey, man... we gotta look at the way they define marriage..." Why don't we look at the way they did slavery, in the Bible?

Huckabee: But if we change the definition, then we really do have to change it to accomodate all lifestyles. We have to say to the guy in West Texas, who had 27 wives, that's okay. And I'm not sure that I hear alot of people arguing that that's a great idea.

Stewart: I don't know why polygamy has an issue here. It seems like a fundamental human right. You write in your book that all people are created equal, and yet, for gay people, you belive it is corrosive to society to allow them to have the privledges that all humans enjoy.

Huckabee: Well, there is a difference between the equality of each individual and the equality of what we do and the sameness of what we do. I mean, the fact is, marriage is under our law a privilege; it's not an absolute defined right.

Stewart: So what if we make it that Hispanics can't vote?

Huckabee: Well, I don't think that's a really good idea. I'm not sure that we should do that.

Stewart: So why can't gay people get married?

Huckabee: Well, because marriage still means a male and a female relationship. And until the laws are overturned, it still means that.

Stewart: I disagree. I think, you know... segregation used to be the law until the courts intervened.

Huckabee: There is a big difference between a person being black, and a person practicing a lifestyle and engaging in a marital relationship that-

Stewart: Okay. This is helpful. This gets to the crux of it- I think it's the difference of between what you believe gay people are and what I do. And I live in New York City, so I'm just gonna make a suppostition that I have more experience being around them.

And I'll tell you this. Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. And the protections that we have, for religion- we protect religion- and talk about a lifestyle choice! That is absolutely a choice. Gay people don't choose to be gay.
At what age did you choose not to be gay?

Huckabee: But Jon, religious people don't have the right to burn others at the stake; they don't have the right to do anything they wish to do.

Stewart: You're not being asked to marry a guy. They're asking to marry the person they love.

Huckabee: But they're asking to redefine the word. And frankly, we're probably not going to come to terms. But if the American people are not convinced that we should overturn the definition of marriage, then I would say that those who support the idea of same sex marriage have got alot of work to do, to convince the rest of us, and as I said, 68% of the American population has made that decision.

Stewart: You talk about the pro life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think it's, I think it's that. It's an absolute- it's a travesty that people have forced, someone who is gay, to have to make their case- that they deserve the same basic rights.

Huckabee: Jon, excuse me, I respect you and I disagree with that- I really do- and one of the things that I want to make sure that people understand is that if a person does not necessarily support the idea of changing the definition of marriage, it does not mean that they are a homophobe. It does not mean that they are filled with hate and animosity.

Stewart: I was in no way suggesting.

Huckabee: No no, you were not saying that, but I think some people would like to throw the epithets at some people, whether they're like me, or someone else.

Stewart: But it does beg the question, I have to say, and again... is "WHY?"
You know, you keep talking about, jeez, it would be redefining a word... and it feels like semantics is cold comfort, when it comes to humanity and especially someone such as yourself, who is I believe an empathetic person who is someone who seeks to get to the heart of problems, this idea that, "Jeez, I dunno Jon, definitions and society..." I mean, marriage was not even a sacrament until the 1200s.

Huckabee: Words do matter. Definitions matter. And I think that we have to be very thoughtful and careful before we say that we are going to undo an entire social structure. I mean, let's face it, the basic purpose of a marriage is not just to create the next generation but to train our replacements. And it is in the context of 23 male and 23 female chromosomes coming together at the point of conception to create the next human life.

Stewart: I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and it's odd because the conservative mantra is "Ameritocracy", and I think what you are suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others and i would suggest that a gay, loving family with a financially stable background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.

Huckabee: I'm not gonna defend Britney and Kevin, for sure.

Stewart: But I appreciate you having the conversation and I just, uh, it's just, it's just wild.

Huckabee: Well, Jon, I just want you to know I'm not going to marry you. Under any circumstances. I'm just not.

Stewart: (laughing) Fine, appreciate that. "Do The Right Thing", is on bookshelves now. Governor, thank you so much.

Huckabee: Thank you, Jon.

Have a good laugh.

SD

"I did not choose to be what I am....."

2008-11-26T21:39:00.003-05:00

As I wrote in the previous posting, over this past year I have met some wonderful people. One person who has been corresponding with me recently told me that he wrote an article about himself. He has permitted me to publish some excerpts. This article was published in The Jewish Press Magazine on Friday, December 1, 2006 as a response to Rachel, who writes "Chronicles of Crises in Our Community."

As a man who has struggled with homosexuality and frumkeit for many years, I take exception to your consistent championing of change being possible and of asserting that there is no such thing as gay. I'd like to offer another perspective.

Let me start by saying that I believe fully in Torah M'Sinai and consider myself to be a fully committed Orthodox Jew whose tafkid in life is to do my best to keep ALL of the Taryag Mitzvot. I am fully versed in both Halachah and Hashkafah and have no issues whatsoever with the philosophical underpinnings of our belief system. I truly believe that the very word of the Chamisha Chumshai Torah was given directly from Hashem to Moshe, and that along with those words, Moshe received Torah SheBa'al Peh.

What I do not fathom is how the prohibition of a very specific behaviour translates into Hashem not making people whose sexual orientation is homosexual.

From a Hashkafik perspective: The mistzvot revolving around Arayot in the Torah address one thing and one thing only - behavior. There is no discussion of desire, of motivation, of what's normal desire and deviant desire. Even if one translates "To'avah" in the pasuk of Mishkav Zachar as "abomination" - which is by no means a definitive definition based on Chazal - it still refers to the action, not the desire.

Your writers say that Hashem wouldn't or couldn't give an orientation to a person and then prohibit him from acting on it. They say that a person's desire must be able to change if the Torah prohibits an action. In my opinion, this is putting a very Pollyanish spin on the very nature of nisayon in Olam Ha'Zeh. The fact is that many times Hashem puts people in adverse circumstances that will not change.

I would argue that in those circumstances the definition of success with the nisayon is first accepting the circumstances and then living as rich a life as possible within those circumstances. Would you, for example, tell a person with medically incurable deafness not to accept that diagnosis? That Hashem would not do that to him because there are so many mitzvot, such as shofar, that involve hearing? That his focus in life should center on searching for a cure? Could you imagine a crueler and less productive way to deal with this most challenging nisayon?

My own struggle with homosexuality has come at enormous cost for me. I ruined a marriage and a successful career. Though I have been to the best "SSA Therapists", one thing that did not change is my basic desire. Some may say I didn't try hard enough. Which believer in Torah M'Sinai would not want to "change"? Certainly one who lost as much as I did would have more than enough motivation.

But all the motivation in the world has not changed reality for me. When I think of the enormous pain men like me go through, I wish that the hope of change could be there. But I also know that at this point I'd rather face reality than embrace false hope.

I did not choose to be what I am.

Saul David

A Family Changed Forever - One Year Later

2008-11-11T21:40:00.003-05:00

A year ago, during Sukkoth, our son announced to us that he is gay.

A few weeks later I began to express my feelings in this blog.

It has been an incredible journey.

We have learned so much. We have met so many people. And we have changed.

As parents, the world as we knew it shattered, as soon as our son came out to us. Our dreams came to an abrupt end. The world of our daughters irrevocably changed as they were forced to come to grips with their new reality.

Our faith in God has come into question and the trust that we thought we had in our friends has diminished.

But we were able to pick up the pieces and rebuild around our new reality.

We sought advice from our rabbi. This turned out to be a dead-end.

We joined a local chapter of PFLAG. We became friends with some nice people who have been through this journey in their lives. They have shown us how to celebrate the positive aspects of our new reality.

We reached out to whoever we felt could offer us assistance. Rabbi Steve Greenberg spent a few hours talking with me right after our son came out. He was a tremendous source of strength. Dr. Naomi Mark gave me the courage to continue writing in this blog. Dr. Linda Freedman willingly offered her services to me whenever I needed it, and there were times when I really needed it. Rabbi Michael Balinsky gave me his encouragement as a dear, old friend.

We chose to tell some of our friends in a cautious, deliberate manner, over the space of this past year. Those with whom we shared have been a source of strength for us.

Only some members of our family know.

And this blog has exposed us to a new world. The postings have elicited responses from gay men and women and their parents. We have become close with all who have chosen to have a dialogue with us. There are many emails that are written in private between us and we all have grown as we used this blog and its instruments as a forum to share our thoughts and our stories.

Our family has changed and grown. We have grown closer together and as individuals we have all grown stronger.

During this past Sukkoth, as we sat around the table, the discussion turned to this blog. My son turned to me and said that it is time to take a less lachrymose approach in the blog. I told him that I agree with him. I said that the mourning period has drawn to an end and that it is now time to move from sadness to advocacy.

He nodded and the discussion moved on to another topic.

The waters remain uncharted, but we can navigate knowing that it will all be good.

Be well.

Saul David

"When my time comes to stand before HaKadosh Barush Hu..."

2008-10-07T14:13:00.004-04:00

A few months ago my son and I were trying to resolve a halakhic dilemma which he had encountered while he was in Europe. It was in reference to finding a way to carry his key on Shabbat in Prague. After a few minutes, he halted the discussion and said "in light of everything that is going on in my life, I am not sure if this is relevant any more."

My response was a simple "uh-huh".

What else was there to say?

After a few pensive moments, he continued the discussion. He said that he has a friend who says "that when his time comes to stand before HaKadosh Baruch Hu, he is going to ask Him why he was forced to be judged by such a different set of standards than everyone else."

What else was there to say?

Wishing you a year of good health.

Saul David

"You shall cast yourself down before the Presence of God and you shall rejoice in all the good that God has given you and your household."

2008-09-18T00:04:00.002-04:00

It has been well over a month since I have written in my blog. Quite frankly I have been struggling with the theological aspects of what the Torah states and does not state in reference to homosexuality. I was planning to write a comparison between this week's parsha, Ki Tavo and Acharei Mot. The latter specifically mentions homosexuality along with other "so-called" forbidden sexual acts, while the former parsha mentions the other forbidden sexual acts, but homosexuality is conspicuously absent from this week's parsha.

But I am choosing not to continue along this line and instead to discuss another part of this week's parsha.

At the beginning of the parsha, we read about the mitzva of "bikkurim", the instruction to dedicate the first fruits of the harvest. The root of the declaration is the recognition that all belongs to God. Man may till the soil, plant the seed and harvest the crop, but the underlying assumption is that it is God who ultimately provides the sustenance.

Whatever the human action, the bikkurim offering is an acknowledgement that God's role is primary. The actual offering is subordinate to the intention of making the offering. The point of the offering is to make it clear that everything comes from God.

Rabbi Sholom Noach Berezovsky, the Slonimer rebbe, in Netivot Shalom, picks up on the intention implied with the bikkurim offering. “This is the soul and fundamental principle of the mitzvah of bikkurim—we attribute what is first to God. Through this we dedicate everything that concerns us to God”.

Some time ago I read an article that discussed the tension that exists between man and God. Every Friday night we recite kiddush over wine that God provides, but is produced by man. We continue to make hamotzei over the bread that God provides, but is baked by man.

There is a constant tension in Judaism between what successes man can claim for himself and what successes are the result of Divine Providence. We rarely attribute any of our successes to Divine Providence. This week's parsha reminds us that it is always in God's hands.

The tension exists, but through some of our rituals, we have managed to negotiate and reconcile the human/divine challenge.

In the course of the last ten months I have also witnessed how my son and his friends have learned to negotiate and reconcile their struggle and challenges with God.

I have come to learn over the past ten months that what is written (in Acharei Mot) or what is not written (in Ki Tavo) is less important than how we negotiate and reconcile the tension that exists as a result of Divine Providence.

The message of bikkurim is that we must acknowledge that everything, including us, has come from God. The challenge is what we do with God's creation. The treasure of Judaism is that all challenges can be reconciled once we make the acknowledgement.

Saul David

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." - Randy Pausch

2008-07-31T22:13:00.005-04:00

At the risk of sounding overly inspirational with the quotations that I often use in the title....too bad.....it's my blog. I believe in these inspirational sound bites. I believe that we can always learn something from every situation which falls our way. I do not view the world through rose colored glasses. Far from it. My family and the few friends that I have claim that I am one of the most cynical people in the world.

My wife is in Israel studying at a women's seminary in Jerusalem for the summer. A few days ago she attended a shiur by a rav who shall remain nameless. At the end of the class, she introduced herself. She told the rabbi that during this past year, her daughter was a student of the rabbi's wife. She went on to tell him about the class which his wife taught in which she opened up a discussion about homosexuality. This was done without any guidance or structure, but as a free discussion. Coming from their sheltered Orthodox Jewish backgrounds, these eighteen year olds proceeded to bash homosexuals.

This class was held in the first two weeks after the girls arrived in Israel. It had also just been two weeks since our daughter found out that her older brother is gay. My daughter was terribly distraught over this turn of events and she had promised her brother that she would not yet share what she knew about him with anyone. She had no one to talk to and no one to turn to.

After hearing the story, the rabbi responded that it is a shame about these gay guys. He continued to tell her that most of them go off the derekh because they are gay. She responded by saying that homosexuals have no choice in what they are, just as the rabbi could not become gay if he so chose.

What she wanted to say to him was that they leave the religion because of people like you and your wife.

I would have used a few more expletives.

To explain the quote in the title. Randy Pausch was born in 1960 and he died on July 25, 2008 from pancreatic cancer. He taught virtual reality (VR) at Carnegie Mellon University and he gave his last lecture in September 2007. I first heard about him a few months ago. I was moved by his positive outlook in spite of the fact that he was given less than a year to live.

His final lecture was titled "The Last Lecture". He opened the lecture by stating that his father taught him that when there is an elephant in the room you should confront it.

Nice segue "nopeanuts". Right? I've been thinking about what you wrote about my son's peers and our peers who are afraid to approach us. I don't think they are waiting to take their cues from us. That is overly optimistic. They just don't know what to do with themselves. Homosexuality, especially in the Orthodox Jewish world, is taboo, just like depression and cancer was, a few generations ago. Wife abuse does not happen in the Orthodox Jewish community either.

Randy Pausch said that the elephant should be confronted. We have been telling our friends on a one by one basis. It is an emotionally trying experience each time, for us as well as for the listener. For those people who don't know what to do with themselves when they are around us, I have no answer. That blanket email outing our son provided the information, provided the truth. But as Jack Nicholson shouted in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!"

I watched Randy Pausch's last lecture on YouTube the other day. I will take my cues from how he lived his life and the legacy he has tried to pass on to his children. He used a few more phrases in the lecture which I would like to use now and at a later date.

He said that 'brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things." The Orthodox Jewish LGBT community is being shut out by a high security brick wall. One day that wall will be breached.

Randy Pausch also recommended "Not to bail. The best gold is at the bottom of barrels of crap."

Don't allow people, such as the rav and his wife, to say whether you have or do not have a place in the community. It is not their place to say so. Maybe the brick wall is there for a reason. It gives you the opportunity to show your dedication to what you believe in.

Saul David

PS. Google "The Last Lecture".

Life, Lemons and the Road

2008-07-24T23:25:00.003-04:00

As our children were growing up, I hung motivational posters around the playroom. My favorite one was "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." When the kids were faced with challenging situations, I would remind them of this particular poster.

When I first started this blog, one of my friends suggested that this was a case of life handing us lemons, and this blog was my way of making lemonade. I disagree. I never felt that we were handed lemons. I do not believe that we were forced to turn something sour into something sweet. But I could not find a suitable phrase to describe this particular journey through these uncharted waters.

On an airplane last night, I was seated next to a woman who explained to me that she travels the world training managers of Fortune 500 companies about customer service. We discussed the current negative state of the economy and the changing business environment. She explained that her job is to break down negative attitudes and develop a culture that fosters change. I asked how she does this and she explained that negativity and resistance to change are only frames of mind. She emphasized that once the decision is made by the corporation to instill a culture that encourages change and refuses to accept any form of negativity, the corporation is emboldened and begins to thrive.

I asked if she thinks that the same holds true on a personal level as well as on a business level. She told me that she became a widow with a three year old daughter, twenty years ago, and she has recently survived breast cancer. She has been unwilling to be negative with her lot in life and has made positive changes. She said "it's all good."

As we parted ways she offered me some advice.

She said "remember...The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you refuse to take the turn."

I heard what she said. I listened to her words. I found my phrase.

We could have refused to take the turn. But we have chosen to travel this road with our child and the rest of our children.

Last night I learned so much from a perfect stranger. Imagine what we can learn from those we know and love.

Yihye Tov.

Saul David

"Enquiring Minds Want to Know"

2008-07-22T19:10:00.004-04:00

NoPeanutz said...

"Enquiring minds want to know"

...Surely you cannot deny that an openly gay and shomer mitzvot homosexual is a curiosity in the Orthodox community. Especially in the case of someone you know personally.

Because these people (frum gays) are so hidden secretive and locked away, and also because of the possibilities that their lifestyle presents (rethinking of halachic norms?) I do not fault those mentioned in this post who express curiosity or fascination at your son's lifestyle.

Is there a pink elephant? Undoubtedly. Are people fascinated with it? Yes, but only because they have never seen a pink elephant before. And Mr. and Mrs. David are Pink Elephants even more so than their gay son- most adults might know someone who is gay. But how many of them know someone who is gay and shomer shabbat/kashrut (SS/K) and then know their parents and close family as well, that have sworn to support him and accept his very controversial lifestyle?

Most SSKs I know were brought up being taught that being gay is a terrible sin, taught that parents must sit shiva for a gay child, and mourn that child as dead. Troubling (and harmful?) ideas indeed. The Davids' acceptance of their son as gay is a relief for other SSKs as much as it is for the son...that if an SSK thinks that a gay person deserves better than our society teaches, this is not something to feel guilty about.

Do not confuse curiosity and fascination with disapproval.

If these people are friends, then they are probably studying how you are dealing with the issue, in order to calibrate their own confused emotions.

Like it or not, Mr. David, you are thrust in to the role of the professional, someone with more experience and knowledge about dealing with SSK homosexuals in your family than anyone else in your community- from whom everyone else takes their cues. It sounds like what you mistake for judging glares could just be "enquiring minds," not about your sons lifestyle, but about what is an appropriate way to approach him and his family since he has come to grips with his sexuality. Just because somebody screwed up and told the world about your son being gay, it does not mean that everyone she told is as malicious. Also, because this one person abused the privileged information trusted to her, it is fine if you feel betrayed...but it would be wrong to hold it against everyone else for knowing.

Dear nopeanuts,

Allow me to respond to the comment which you posted on July 22nd. You have raised some excellent points.

I do not deny that an ssk homosexual is a curiosity within the Orthodox community. How the individuals within the community respond to this information is the issue. Please remember that my perspective is only as a parent of an ssk homosexual.

The individuals who I find to be troubling are not those who express curiousity or fascination at my son's lifestyle. I am troubled by those who look at my son, not as a person who has chosen to continue to be a shomer mitzvot in spite of the fact that he is gay, but as someone who is not quite as frum as the rest of us specifically because he is gay. I have not yet come across people who are curious or fascinated with my son's lifestyle. At this point in the journey we are viewed as untouchables. They just don't know what to do with themselves.

You may be giving these people more credit than they deserve. They don't know that our son's "parents and family have sworn to support him and accept his very contoversial lifestyle" because they have not been able to muster the courage to approach us and ask. Perhaps they think that we are in a mourning mode. Who knows?

But on the other hand, you may be right. I can only report what I see and how I feel. Perhaps those glares from the other side of the fence are from people who just don't know the appropriate way to respond to this very unique situation.

Your reading of my emotions are almost correct. I do feel betrayed, but I do not hold it against everyone else for knowing now that they know. My fear has always been about those who do not wish my family well. This situation gives those people the perfect opportunity.

But on the other hand, once we get beyond the curiosity and the fascination and even the disapproval, it is up to us to show that it is indeed possible and right to be shomer mitzvot whether straight or gay.

Thank you for your straightforward comments.

Saul David

The Elephant In The Room

2008-07-14T22:52:00.008-04:00

Elephant in the room
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The elephant in the room (also elephant in the living room, elephant in the corner, elephant on the dinner table, elephant in the kitchen, and horse in the corner) is an English idiom for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed. It is based on the idea that an elephant in a small room would be impossible to overlook.
It is sometimes used to refer to a question or problem that is obvious, but which is ignored out of embarrassment or taboo. The idiom also implies a value judgment that the issue ought to be discussed openly.
The term is often used to describe an issue that involves a social taboo, such as racism or religion, which everyone understands to be an issue but which no one is willing to admit.
The idiom is commonly used in addiction recovery terminology to describe the reluctance of friends and family of an addicted person to discuss the person's problem, thus aiding the person's denial.
The idiom is also occasionally invoked as a "pink elephant", possibly in reference to alcohol abuse, or for no other reason than that a pink elephant would be more visible than a normal elephant.

If you refer to the posting entitled "You can no more make amends for the damage your words have done..." which I wrote after Pesach in reaction to my son's outing by one of his oldest friends, I discussed the fact that once words, like feathers, become scatterred, it is virtually impossible to take back what was said.

Since my son was outed by his friend, we have noticed that people have been looking at us kind of funny. This weekend, our suspicions were confirmed.

We invited a couple to our house for Shabbat lunch. This particular couple became our friends because their daughter was a friend and classmate of our son. We sat and talked over lunch and through dessert. Finally, just before they were about to leave I asked "so what has your daughter told you about our son?" The wife turned pale and began to stammer. I went on to say, "look there is this elephant standing in the room, so why don't you just tell us what you know." After regaining her composure, she told us that her daughter found out about our son during Pesach. When pressed, she also told us that she had been fielding calls from people who are not our friends, who, "because enquiring minds want to know", were asking if the rumors were true. Our friends admitted that people were calling them, not out of concern for our son, or for us, but because they were being nosy and cruel.

The next day, we were invited to a Simchat Bat and a breakfast following. The mother of the infant is a friend of my son, so many of his contemporaries, as well as many of our contemporaries, were present at the breakfast. The elephant was looming so large in the banquet hall of the synagogue, that not one of these young adults, who used to spend time in my house, nor any of our contemporaries, had the courage to come over to us to say hello. To those people who we approached, the discomfort could be cut like a knife.

It was as if we had a contagious disease.

So to my son's good friend, who felt it was most important to email everyone on her contact list to report that my son is gay, I offer my deepest gratitude. When the elephant leaves the room, two things remain. One of the remains is the knowledge of who is and who is not a real friend.

Saul David

"Jonah fails the test."

2008-06-25T20:56:00.003-04:00

Towards the end of the Book of Jonah, having tried unsuccessfully to escape the word of Hashem, Jonah ultimately delivers Hashem's message of repentance. Much to the dismay of Jonah, his worst nightmare comes true as the Ninevites engage in a genuine act of "tshuvah". Then, demonstrating his resentment, Jonah relocates to the outskirts of the city, where he is woefully disappointed to discover that he has once again misread Hashem's intentions. While Hashem has repeatedly tried to teach Jonah a lesson about "loving-kindness" and in particular about caring for 'The Other", Jonah resists to the bitter end. Hashem, "a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in kindness, renouncing punishment," is working as a teacher of compassion, but Jonah fails the test.

I recently heard from a mother, who after being told by her mid-thirties son that he is gay, turned to her rabbi for advice. She believed that the meeting went well and the Rabbi in turn sent her for some counseling to someone who knows more about homosexuality.

This person sent her to JONAH.

A therapist friend of mine says "JONAH makes me ill."

What parent would want to see their child put through a hellish, pseudo-psychological experience, that is not successful?

I, would really, rather, put my faith in Hashem, who is slow to anger and abounding in kindness, because JONAH fails the test.

Saul David

PS. For more information on reparative therapy go to

http://www.socialworkers.org/diversity/lgb/reparative.asp

Peshat

2008-06-16T22:53:00.008-04:00

When I began this blog, I tried to answer each comment individually, but I was told by a seasoned blogger that this is not good form because it raises the comment and hit count on the blog. So instead, I decided to copy and paste your comments and to answer them in the body of the blog.

Here goes.......

nopeanuts said

It is unfortunate that the Rav could not offer any references. However, it is very encouraging that he was open-minded about the issue.
Open-mindedness in the OrthoJew community is the only thing that will resolve this phenomenon, and the only thing that will help Jewish homosexuals feel at home in shul. Of course realizing that this will take a tremendous compromise with and possibly even a reinterpretation of the traditional readings of certain religious conventions- and perhaps it is not even fair to ask for this tremendous step. However, it may be the right (tzadik) thing to do, even if not fair.
But it will be open-mindedness that will finally make these support groups obsolete, and hopefully cast light unto where there is darkness.

April 8, 2008 11:13 AM

Dear Nopeanuts,

The Rav was as open-minded as he allowed himself to be, I'm afraid. As I look around the shul on any given morning I can see a few embezzlers, insurance fraudsters and experts in weights and measures, all looking frummer than the next guy.
It's going to take a lot more than having an open mind to deal with the issue of homosexuality.
It's going to take an openly honest mind.

Tanya said...

My younger brother recently announced to my parents that he was bisexual and that he has been this way for the past three years. My parents are yiras shomayim irlich people. Needless to say, they feel that they have failed; are at a loss of what to do and how to react. Amazingly, they have not stopped davening and are still so full of hope that my brother will iy"H one day lead a normal life.
They did go to a PFLAG group but were amazed at how all the parents in attendance were so accepting of their son's status and new way of life.
I recently read an article: http://members.aol.com/orthogays/moment.html
which talks about trying to lead a normal way of life with siyatta di shemaya.
I don't know much about this struggle and how difficult it would be for a man to overcome and live with these urges.
My brother is defiant, obstinant and not concerned at all with how much this is hurting my parents or me. He does not want to think about the future and of the prospect of raising a family. He is enjoying the here and now with his partner. I would like to get in touch with someone via email who can share advice and chizuk.
Thanks; March 4, 2008 5:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Tanya,
I can hear that you and your family are truly struggling with what sounds like shocking news. I am sorry to hear that, and hope that this blog gives you the chizuk you are seeking. What is interesting to me in your comments is that you seem very concerned about your parents. Having limited experience, but being as I am a proud family member, I have to say that yes its important to feel for your parents and support them but I think its also important to love and respect your brother for who HE is and for the courage it took him to open up and strength it takes him to face his surroundings daily. Not for whom he was, who you expected him to be or who you imagined him to be, but for whom he IS. This was not necessarily a choice for him, but the fact that he has chosen not to suppress his feelings and has chosen to share his life with someone, and for that matter with you is a huge step. You claim that he does not seem to care about you or your parents feelings, and with very little background about your specific family situation, I beg to differ. It seems like he very much cares, and for that reason has opened himself up and has maintained his relationship with you, despite how you yourselves and not to mention your community must be reacting to his lifestyle. I think in light of this very scary world we live in, life is very precious. Family is something that is not easy to be a part of and even harder to be without. Maybe instead of always worrying about how people will react, what the right thing to have done, or to do is, its time we see and appreciate people for who they are; including their flaws, their amazing character traits and what they have to offer and not so much the clothes they wear, the box they fit into or the flag they wave.; March 11, 2008 10:22 AM

Dear Tanya,

I have not heard from you since you showed the courage to write on March 4th. I hope you have been reading the entries to the blog and especially the response from anonymous a week after you wrote in. "Anonymous" wrote me privately as well, but she has permitted me to tell you that she is a younger sister of a young man who recently came out to his family. She wrote me that the man has continued to be frum even though it is a constant struggle and his family is standing behind him knowing that this is a difficult situation for all of the family.


Rivka Chana said...: I am happy to see another Orthodox parent who is accepting of his/her son's being gay. It seems that you are in Israel. Do you think it makes it easier or harder? We are in New York, and I have not yet met another "accepting" set of parents. My son is in his late 20s and came out to us about 6 years ago; he is selectively out to other people. I'd be happy to have a dialogue/conversation with other interested families.
Rivka Chana; February 4, 2008 12:05 PM

Dear Rivka Chana,

I have not heard from you since you wrote in February. You may be surprised how many "accepting" parents there actually are out there.

Please keep in touch with all of us. It is the only way, at this point in time, for "accepting" parents to realize that they are not alone.

Anonymous said...: Three and a half years ago I too 'came out' to my parents.

Let me say first, I cannot even begin to express my admiration for your empathetic, and honest manner in grappling with the myriad emotions in assimilating what your son's revalation means to you.

I also wanted to, from a very specific vantage point, point out how courageous I think your son is.
You see, when I came out to my parents it was in the same phone call that I informed them that my marriage was ending. That the 'perfect couple' that had given them wonderful grandchildren were anything but. That their 'perfect son' had decieved them, their daughter in law, and had violated her trust and the sanctity of their marriage.
I meet people like your son (and I am involved with JQY so odds are I have met him) - people ten years or so younger than me and I have nothing but admiration for their self-honesty and courage in not doing what I did - taking the easy path of listening to those shiduchim, of dating the girls, of denying first to himself, than a wife, that this is not the path Hashem meant him to take.
I know your hearts are shattered by the loss of the life you envisioned for him, but allow me to have the chutzpah to say that this is the right path, the one of yashrus and honesty. I would give anything to turn back the hands of time and find the voice inside myself to say, No, I am gay, no I won't have the beautiful wedding and the beautiful wife. It would have been pain but it would have been honest pain and it would have spared my ex-wife and parents all that followed.
So whatever complicated feelings you may feel about your son, I wanted to point out that in the world he comes from, the deception of self and others is the path of least resistance. I hope you and your wife can find a way to take pride in the fact that he bucked that and was honest with himself first and then with you.; April 15, 2008 12:04 PM

Enough written for now.

For those who have written comments, thank you for the courage you have shown. I am sure that you have given some strength to those who are reading this blog.

Thank you.

Saul David

"To'evah hi"

2008-06-08T15:30:00.004-04:00

It has been three full festivals since my son told us he is gay. He told us on the first day of Sukkoth. We spent the Chag digesting the information. Pesach was spent together as a family, coming back together for the first time since Sukkoth. The time was spent getting back to a normal family life. We shall spend this Chag alone, since two of our children are in Israel, one child is in Silver Springs and my son is teaching in Turkey.

As is our tradition on this Holiday of Shavuoth to spend the entire night in the study of the Torah, I have come up with my own Tikkun Leyl Shavuoth. I plan to spend the entire night studying the following twenty-two passages in the Torah that use the term “to’evah”. I want to understand the context in which this term is used.

Even though it is tempting to editorialize, I shall refrain from doing so. I do reserve the opportunity to do so at a later time once I have learned and digested and fully understand the text and the context in which it is written.

To remain consistent I used the JPS edition of the Tanakh for its translation of the text. The passages which I found are as follows……….

“The Egyptians could not dine with the Hebrews, since that would be abhorrent to the Egyptians.” Ber/Gen 43:32
“You may stay in the region of Goshen for all shepherds are abhorrent to Egyptians” Ber/Gen 46:34

“Do not lie with a male as one lies with a woman; it is an abhorrence.” Vay/Lev 18:22
“But you must keep My laws and My rules, and you must not do any of these abhorrent things.” Vay/Lev. 18:26
“For all those abhorrent things were done by the people who were in the land before you, and the land became defiled.” Vay/Lev. 18:27
“All who do any of these abhorrent things – such persons shall be cut off from their people.” Vay/Lev 18:29
“You shall keep my charge not to engage in any of the abhorrent practices that were carried on before you.” Vay/Lev. 18:30

“You shall consign the images of their gods to the fire; you shall not covet the silver and gold on them and keep it for yourselves, lest you be ensnared thereby; for that is abhorrent to the Lord you God.” Dev/Deut. 7:25
“You shall not bring an abhorrent thing into your house, or you will be proscribed like it; you must reject it as abominable and abhorrent.” Dev/Deut. 7:26
“You shall not act thus toward the Lord you God, for they perform for their gods every abhorrent act that the Lord detests.” Dev/Deut 12:31
“If it is true, the fact is established – that abhorrent thing was perpetrated in your midst – put the inhabitants of that town to the sword.” Dev/Deut 13:15

“If it is true, the fact is established, that abhorrent thing was perpetrated in Israel, you shall take the man and the woman who did that wicked thing out to the public place, and you shall stone them, man and woman.” Dev/Deut 17:4-5
“When you enter the land that the Lord your God is giving you, you shall not learn to imitate the abhorrent practices of those nations.” Dev/Deut. 18:9
“For anyone who does such things is abhorrent to the Lord, and it is because of these abhorrent things that the Lord your God is dispossessing them before you.” Dev/Deut. 18:12
“Lest they lead you into doing all the abhorrent things that they have done for their gods and you stand guilty before the Lord your God.” Dev/Deut 20:18

“Cursed be anyone who makes a sculptured or molten image, abhorred by the Lord.” Dev/Deut 27:15

“The first husband who divorced her shall not take her to wife again, since she has been defiled – for that would be abhorrent to the Lord.” Dev/Deut 24:4

“You shall not sacrifice to the Lord your God an ox or a sheep that has any defect of a serious kind, for that is abhorrent to the Lord your God.” Dev/Deut 17:1

“You shall not eat anything abhorrent.” Dev/Deut. 14:3

“You shall not bring the fee of a whore or the pay of a dog into the House of the Lord your God in fulfillment of any vow, for both are abhorrent to the Lord your God.” Dev/Deut 23:19

“A woman must not put on man’s apparel, nor shall a man wear woman’s clothing; for whoever does these things is abhorrent to the Lord your God.” Dev/Deut. 22:5

“You must have completely honest weights and completely honest measures, if you are to endure long on the soil that the Lord your God is giving you. For everyone who does those things, everyone who deals dishonestly is abhorrent to the Lord your God.” Dev/Deut. 25:15-16

Have a chag same'ach.

Saul David

"Accepting the Unacceptable"

2008-06-05T20:39:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago, an old friend came to visit me. He is a rabbi who lives in Chicago, and after telling him about this journey, he offered some assistance, especially in terms of resources. Within a week he sent me a link to a study which was conducted by a marital and family therapist who has a doctorate in social work from the University of Illinois.

In her study, “Accepting the Unacceptable: Religious Parents and Adult Gay and Lesbian Children,” Linda Freedman, PhD, “debunks the perhaps popular perception that religiously oriented people, especially the orthodox, are sure to reject persons with sexual minority orientations, even their own children.”

With Dr. Freedman’s permission and the permission of the Alliance for Children and Families, I would like to offer a review of this study.

The study analyzed parental acceptance of adult gay and lesbian children. It included religiously oriented parents and parents who had not affiliated with any support group.

The study begins with certain facts and certain assumptions. It states that “research findings indicate that parental support mitigates risk to individuals identifying as homosexual. Increased visibility has led to a rise in illegal, socially sanctioned, physical attacks on gays.” It goes on to state that in a “clinical and empirical study of sexual minority families, parental support may provide sexual minority children a buffer against the prejudices and dangers inherent in a heterosexual society.” An Israeli study found that “family acceptance has a positive impact on psychological adjustment and self-esteem.”

The study continues to state that “we might assume, based upon the literature, that religiously oriented parents who believe that the sexual lives of their sexual minority children are sinful may not be able to function in a way that buffers their children from some of the dangers and challenges of a heterosexist society…Homophobia has been consistently found to be associated with religious orthodoxy and negative attitudes toward gays and lesbians.”

From these facts and assumptions, Dr. Freedman begins her study. The makeup of the subject groups was as follows, two thirds belonged to some sort of support group and one third did not. The study continues to explain to the reader the questions that were posed and how the analysis was computed. The study ends with a detailed discussion of the themes and issues which emerged in the analysis of the data.

Four themes emerged. They were as follows:

1. Initial reactions to disclosure

2. Coping strategies

3. Thoughts about therapy and counseling

4. Resolving conflict over time.

The first theme, Initial reactions to disclosure, the study reports that “initial reaction to learning that a child was gay did not differ between groups. Parents from all three groups had extensive lists of fears, including career-related concerns for the child and worries about health, social stability, and safety, especially from gay-bashers and murderers.”

“Losses and dashed expectations predominated the negative reactions and made initial acceptance difficult for most parents. They grieved the loss of grandchildren and marriages of children…”

“Parents reported initial social withdrawal followed by a period of adjustment and a flurry of interest in socializing with others who had a gay child. Some sought advice immediately..from parents in similar circumstances and expressed relief that they were not alone.”

The second theme to emerge was coping strategies. “Coping strategies, regardless of group affiliation, included reading everything possible about homosexuality and seeking information from people who knew about it.”

“Several parents described staying involved with their child as their greatest coping strategy….they learned to become defiant with people who criticized the child.”

The third theme dealt with the parents’ thoughts about therapy or counseling. In the study two thirds of the parents sought out some form of counseling, either pastoral or secular. “Parents who related to the counselor found the process a normalizing, learning experience. Positive comments about treatment alluded to a clinician’s ability to de-shame, comfort, reassure, and offer hope as an alternative to a parent’s helplessness and confusion.

In the fourth and final theme to emerge, resolving conflicts over time, “most parents said that they were ‘okay’ with their child and had hope for the future. A minority did not feel that they would ever resolve their issues.”

Dr. Freedman concludes her study as follows. She states that “the findings of the current study corroborate data that parent reactions to sexual orientation, especially when parents are religiously oriented, are complex. Most parents came to accept the child’s sexual orientation over time.”

“Most parents asserted that support groups helped them accept what they could not change….having an evolving positive relationship was better than conflict or cutoffs that accomplished nothing.”

“The only parents to profess to having rejected their children were those who had not attended any support group.”

Dr. Linda Freedman concludes that “this study nevertheless debunks the perhaps popular perception that religiously oriented people, especially the orthodox, are sure to reject persons with sexual minority orientations, even their own children.”

Thank you, Dr. Freedman.

Saul David

For more information please see http://www.familiesinsociety.org/ and freedman.linda@yahoo.com

Google This

2008-05-21T21:00:00.006-04:00

A few months ago my daughter called me from Israel to tell me that when she did a search of this blog it came up on page 23 of Google.

I googled the blog today and it came up as the first entry.

SD

"R.Hillel used to say: If I am not for myself, who is for me? If I care only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?" Pirkei Avot 1:14

2008-05-18T19:43:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with Rabbi Steven Greenberg. He wanted me to respond to some questions. I promised that I would reply within a week or two. Instead of responding privately, I have decided to make my response an open letter.

Rabbi Greenberg asked, "knowing what you know now, and having lived through this difficult time, what facilities could have been in place that could have made a difference?"

For us, there was nothing in place to assist us. We had no one to turn to and no one who could help us navigate these uncharted waters. Our rabbi was able to briefly console us, but we have not heard from him since our initial meeting. When I set up this blog, I notified him that I was doing so and I told him to call me for the address. I am still waiting for his call, even though there are young men and women in the community who have recently come out. I had a heart-wrenching and tearful conversation with Rabbi Steve Greenberg. He was a great help, but all he could offer was his words. We went to PFLAG meetings. They have been helpful as we could see and hear how their lives became normalized within time. We visited a psychiatrist. She is helpful in dealing with coping mechanisms. But that's about it.

In spite of all of our efforts, we still came up short and in need of help. Some days we feel we are in a bad dream, and not a single day goes by when something triggers a thought that brings on a tear.

That is why I thought it important to start this blog to try to bring other parents into the open to discuss, share and understand that they/we are not alone. Our struggles are similar, our fears are similar, our shattered dreams are similar, our guilt is similar, our questions are similar, our questioning is similar.

It has been a frustrating journey writing this blog. There has not been a large response and there are days when I think that it should be shut down. I don't have to be opening up every emotion I feel to the world, to my children and to my son in particular. They don't have to know how I feel.

A few weeks before Pesach I received a few private emails through the blog. One was from a young man who was married and is struggling, another was from a young man who has not told anyone yet and does not know what to do, and another was from a thirtysomething man who asked me for help because it was about time that he told his parents about himself.

So I will keep this blog going a little while longer because there is nothing else in place for us.

What could have made a difference? A place, a forum where we could ask the questions and receive fair and honest answers. Where we could deal with the emotional aspect of our children coming out, as parents and from the point of view of the children. Where we could get answers to our halakhic questions without feeling shunned or embarrassed. Where we could just have someone to talk to.

My vision would be to have an organization that would have on staff a rabbi, a psycho-therapist and a parent. This particular staff should be straight because they are talking to straight people, but with a deep understanding of gay men and women. These people should be on call to answer the urgent questions which we have and give us the strength to start breathing again.

I hope this answers your question Rabbi Greenberg.

Saul David

"You can no more make amends for the damage your words have done than you can recollect the scattered feathers."

2008-05-13T20:22:00.006-04:00

The Jewish laws that are most difficult to keep but are most commonly violated are the laws regarding improper speech or "lashon hara".

We are taught that the harm done by speech is even worse than the harm done by stealing or by harming someone financially. Lost or stolen money can be repaid, but the harm caused by speech can never be repaired.

There is a famous Chassidic tale that illustrates the danger of improper speech......

A man went about the community telling malicious lies about the rabbi. Later he realized the wrong he had done and felt remorse. He went to the rabbi and begged his forgiveness, saying he would do anything to make amends. The rabbi told the man "Take a feather pillow, cut it open and scatter the feathers to the winds."
The man thought this was a simple enough task and he did it gladly. When he returned to tell the rabbi that he had done what the rabbi requested, the rabbi said, "Now go and gather the feathers." The man replied that this task would be impossible because all the feathers were scattered in the wind. The rabbi continued to say that "you can no more make amends for the damage your words have done than you can recollect all the scattered feathers."

There is a mitzva in the Torah which states "thou shalt not go up and down as a tale-bearer among thy people (Vayikra 19:16). It is a violation in Jewish law to say anything about another person, even if it is true. The person who listens to tale-bearing is even worse than the person who tells it, because no harm could be done by gossip if there was no one to listen to it. It has been stated that lashon hara kills three people, the person who speaks it, the person who hears it and the person about whom it is told. (Talmud Arachin 15b).

In terms of my son, lashon hara is most relevant. Over Pesach, one of my daughters kept getting emails from different friends asking her if it was true that her brother is gay. The emails were too random and varied to be coincidence. When we returned home from Israel after Pesach, there were messages on our phone from people who we have not heard from in over a year. We finally decided to tell a family friend that our son is gay and she told us that she heard about it over the last few weeks.

After some investigation with our son we were able to piece the following chain of events together.
A female friend of our son was being asked incessantly by their mutual friend what the story was with my son and whether he is gay. The female friend asked permission if she could "out" him and he said it would be all right to confide in her. It appears that no sooner had this person heard the news, then she sent an email to whomever she knows who also knows my son.

Our sages compare a tale-bearer to a merchant. Not a merchant of goods, but a merchant of information. We live in the information age and those feathers are now scattered.

SD

V'ahavta Lere'acha Kamocha

2008-05-04T19:48:00.002-04:00

"When we state that it is a mitzva to love people, this means that it makes no difference who the person is." - Sara Schnirer, founder of Bais Yaakov in Em B'Yisroel 2:75-78.

Yesterday I went to the shul of the Rabbi who we met with after my son came out. I haven't been there in a few months because of the cold weather. The Rabbi gave an interesting talk.

He spoke about love, specifically the love of a parent for a child. It was short and to the point and it hit home.

He said that R. Akliva's students perished because even though they may have loved each other, they did not respect one another. He went on to say that without respect, love is not enough to sustain a relationship. There has to be a balance, he stated, between love and respect.

He concluded his short drasha by saying that it is a parent's responsibility to love a child, but even if the child does not live up to the parent's expectations or even leaves the path, the parent must tell the child that he loves the child and respects what he is doing.

It is incumbent upon the parent to balance his love for his child with the respect due to the child no matter what.

SD

"And you shall teach your children on that day, saying..."

2008-04-25T09:20:00.009-04:00

The last days of Pesach are rapidly approaching as I am sitting in Jerusalem with my family. We have spent the entire Pesach together. This is the first time that we are all together since my son announced to us that he is gay.

We spent a meaningful Seder together with another family. For this first time in many years I was a guest at another person's Seder rather than being the leader of the Seder. This allowed me the opportunity to reflect on the meaning of the Seder, and the questions that are posed to all the generations present at the Seder. It also allowed me time to think about freedom, not only the freedom from slavery, but some of the personal freedoms we work towards in our daily lives.

There are no answers. There are only questions. The answers change from year to year and from generation to generation.

Before my daughter left her yeshiva for Pesach vacation she was handed a note from her madrichot. It read as follows.....

On Pesach we go out on a journey to find freedom. Not only the traditional general exodus from Egypt but our own personal exodus. In the searching for our personal freedom we must choose to leave the known and familiar - for something better and new. In one way or another we are all still slaves. We each have something we are enslaved to. Something that tells us what to do, what to think, how to feel. Only once we know what that thing is, only if we can define it, then we will be able to overcome it.

On a personal level, I started writing this blog a short while after my son told us he is gay. I felt it was necessary to start a dialogue with other parents who were finding themselves in the same situation. In setting this blog in motion I also set up an anonymous email address so that people who did not want to share their stories with everyone, could communicate with me personally. I have stressed many times that I am not a professional, just an ordinary father navigating uncharted waters.

I have been a little disappointed in the response and I have even considered shutting down the blog.

But maybe some good will come from this.

A few weeks ago, a young man started to email me. We discussed my son, how I felt as a parent and how I was able to handle and cope with the news. He was struggling with telling his parents. He had been finding the Chagim to be a trying time for him and he was searching for help in sharing his sexual orientation with his parents.

We had numerous emails back and forth and many hours spent chatting on IM. I left for Israel and wished him luck. I received an email from him yesterday telling me that he shared his news with his parents. A few minutes later I received an email from his mother thanking me for helping her son.

From slavery to freedom.

Saul David

You Don't Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right - by Brad Hirschfield

2008-04-08T21:01:00.010-04:00

I recently received a book from a friend. The title is YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE WRONG FOR ME TO BE RIGHT, by Rabbi Brad Hirschfield. As I usually do when I read non-fiction, I turned to the index to see if the author writes anything about homosexuality. Please read some excerpts from the book.......

Here's another example of two competing truths. There's truth to the gay person's experience of opening the Bible and reading, near the beginning of the Book of Genesis, God's words, "It is not good for man to be alone." The Bible is telling us that loneliness, for most of us at least, is an unacceptable state. We could go even further and say the Bible is telling us that loneliness is a sin. It violates the story's fundamental understanding of what it means to be human, even to be a man. We are created to be in relationship, and that fact is taught before there's any discussion of whom we are to be in relationship with. The need for relationship is so fundamental that it supersedes all else. Before we knew that Leviticus believed it was a sin for a man to enter into a sexual relationship with another man, we learned that it was a sin to be lonely, so big a sin that God reordered creation to overcome it.

If loneliness is a sin, how can some of my fellow rabbis tell a gay man who is in a loving relationship with another man that what he's doing is wrong? Well, they can, and often do, point to Leviticus, where homosexuality is prohibited. The Leviticus prohibition is based on the truth that the ideal state of human relations is for people of different sexes to come together and build families. Leviticus is very clear about telling us how life should be lived so that we maintain order and things fit together in their right and expected places.

Leviticus is also concerned about the ways in which people coming together will lead to the possibility of their making more people. It is more concerned with the role that people play in being like God (creating human life), while Genesis is focused less on being like God and more on feeling like God (having a new creation to keep from being lonely). Leviticus plays out the possibility that we humans can act like God in creating new life and organizing it on the planet. Genesis seems more interested, at that moment anyhow, in our ability to feel like God, to look around and sense the incompleteness of things and yearn for someone with which to connect.

Leviticus understands sacredness as a function of things being in their rightful places, not of how individual people feel about where things are being placed. It's the difference between the classically trained French chef, for whom everything must be done according to plan because following that plan assures the best product, and the short-order cook who knows that as long as the customers are happy, it really doesn't matter if everything was done according to what she learned at cooking school.

While it's easy to be impressed with the chef, most people are more at ease with the cook because they know that in his own way he is genuinely concerned with making a meal that is right for them. The chef can always hide behind the rules, even if the customer hates the food. After all, he will reason, it's been prepared according to the rules, so it must be the customer's problem. We need both the cook and the chef, and I suspect that's also true of the insights of Genesis and Leviticus.

Some people will say that using Genesis to justify homosexuality is obscene, while others despise the so-called truth of Leviticus. But, like the two cooks, each possess wisdom.

Perhaps we need to stop pretending that there are positions that will satisfy everyone and get used to simply doing our best while admitting the price of the position that we have taken.

As we approach next week's reading in Vayikra, I think that Rabbi Hirschfield's comments may be quite appropriate.

Thank you.

Saul David

PS. Rabbi Hirschfield can be reached at www.bradhirschfield.com

"You are not alone."

2008-02-26T21:09:00.005-05:00

Last week, my wife and I went to visit our son at his home. We have not seen him since he came out to us. It was time to see him again.

We spent a pleasant Sunday afternoon together. As we strolled through a museum, he and I discussed this blog. I asked him whether it bothered him that I was writing this blog. He replied that it was important for me to be doing this as a parent, and he understood the goal of this blog is to act as a forum or conduit for other parents to share their experiences.

He told me about an organization that he is involved in which is trying to help frum kids cope once they have come out. He told us about his friend who came out a few months ago. When I suggested that the young man tell his parents about this blog, he told us that the parents were in denial and have not accepted the fact that their son is gay.

Over dinner, we asked our son if it would be alright to tell some of our friends that he is gay. His response was "they are your friends, not mine, and you may do whatever you seem fit." This was quite a departure from the way he felt just five months ago. He told us that the people who are important to him know that he is gay and support him. And that is all that is important to him.
In spite of the fact that we only spent part of a day with him, we left him feeling that he is more relaxed and in a better place than he was six months ago.

So where does that leave us?

Since we were hit with the news five months ago, our lives have changed. We see less and less of our friends and we spend most of the week engrossed in our respective jobs. When Shabbat comes, we no longer invite any guests over to share our meals, nor do we care to go to other people's homes. When we find the strength to go to shul, we come home without staying for kiddush. Before Shabbat we have been taking murder mystery books from the library and spending the weekend reading.

And then the week begins again.

SD

The name of the organization my son referred to is called JQYOUTH.
Their motto is "You are not alone."
Their website is www.jqyouth.org.

"Make Me a Sanctuary for Me to dwell therein."

2008-02-10T11:40:00.000-05:00

In his commentary on this week's parsha, The Sefat Emet, Rabbi Yehudah Leib Alter writes,

"Material things have no will. And everything must have a will-that is essential. This proves that these things depend upon humanity who has a will. And with this will humanity can incline every thing towards G-d...this is the meaning of the verse "let them make me a sanctuary that I may dwell among them..." --among each individual." (Trumah 5633)

In The Guide For The Perplexed, Maimonides states that the mishkan serves as a spiritual conduit to G-d, not as a physical dwelling. The physical structure was used to elicit a spritual reaction.

Nehama Leibowitz asks whether the passage "make Me a Sanctuary for Me to dwell therein" "contains the message of Divine love, a promise of intimate contact with Him?" (Studies in Shemot, p.468.)

I believe that the message of this week's parsha is that there has to be a direct link between the will of G-d and the will of humankind.

Why does the construction of the mishkan come up at this point in the Torah? Most commentators have an opinion. The one that I find to be most fitting and understanding is the one posited by Abravanel,

"G-d's intention with the construction of the mishkan was to contest the idea that G-d had forsaken the earth."

As the people journeyed farther and farther into the desert, they needed the reassurance that G-d was present in their lives.

How does this relate to us as parents and to our children who are questioning their connection to their religion, to their parents and to their past?

Now more than ever, we need the assurance and our children need the reassurance that G-d is still present in our lives. We must prove to our children that Hashem has not forsaken them, nor have we forsaken them.

We are unable to build a physical structure. Thus no one can fulfill all the commandments laid out in the Torah. Therefore we must find other ways to build a mishkan. Together, we must build a spiritual dwelling place where we can embrace our children and our families and teach them how to be better Jews and better human beings. We must be encouraged, and we must encourage our children to follow as many mitzvot as is possible, with the limited capabilities that we as humans have.

Our children were raised as frum children. Because of who they discovered themselves to be as they were growing up and reaching maturity, they have felt rejected by the Torah community or by us, their parents. I believe that it is their will to remain as frum Jews, if only they could be encouraged to do so in a non-judgemental environment. I believe that a loving G-d who commands us to build a dwelling place wants everyone to share in this endeavor.

Each effort we make to bring ourselves and our children closer to Hashem, brings the mishkan closer to home.

SD

"Hashem doesn't create junk."

2008-01-23T22:37:00.000-05:00

During winter break my wife and I went to Israel for a short vacation. Every morning I would walk the streets of Jerusalem for about an hour starting at 8 AM. On my first day there I bumped into an aquaintance who used to live in my neighborhood, but moved about nine years ago to another part of the city. Around the time when they moved there were rumors about their son.

We stopped to chat for a few minutes about our flights, our wives, kids and we said that maybe we would bump into each other on the following day. We found it amusing that we never see each other in our home town but in Jerusalem we literally bump into each other.

As we went our separate ways, I stopped in my tracks and decided to figuratively go down a road and not turn back.

I turned around and called out to my friend again. When we got closer I touched his arm and said, "I have to ask you a question. You can choose not to answer." I then asked, "is your son gay?" He replied, "I am not going to answer that."
To which I interrupted, "the reason why I am asking you this is because my son came out about two months ago."
At this point, we located a park bench and proceeded to tell our respective stories.

His son came out to his parents about nine years ago, but he is still not out to the world. Only a select few of their friends and family know that their son is gay.

After we talked for a while we decided to meet again later on in the week. We arranged to meet for tea on Shabbos afternoon. As we sat together under the warm Jerusalem sun we all discussed our experience as parents of gay children. We revelled in our sons' accomplishments and in their midos. We shared some of the funny stories and we cried as we shared the painful and cruel ones.

As it turns out, this was the first time in nine years that these people were able to share this experience with people who have a similar experience.

As we were leaving, the wife told us that when her son was at an especially low point she tried to encourage him with her own pearl of wisdom. She advised him that "Hashem doesn't create junk."

A few weeks later, as we were enduring the cold of the northeast, I got a call from the wife asking if we would like to go with them to a lecture by Rabbi Steve Greenberg. Before the lecture began, she turned to me and said, "had you not stopped my husband, we would not be sitting here tonight. This is the first time in nine years that we are attending a public event such as this."

A Fairy Tale for Modern Times

2008-01-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, in a land far away, stood a magnificent place of higher learning. It rested on the top of a small mountain overlooking the rest of the world. Students came from the four corners of the world to sit and study at the tables of learning.

At this magnificent place there was a teacher. Students would come from the four corners of the world to hear his words. And his students loved him. When the teacher would leave this place and travel to the four corners of the world, his students would follow him to hear his words, for the students loved him.

And this teacher had a niece. She travelled from another part of the world to be near her uncle and to learn from him. The niece loved the uncle and the uncle loved the niece.

And it came to pass that a special young man came from another part of the world to study at the table of this teacher. The young man learned much from the teacher. The student loved the teacher and the teacher loved the student.

When it came time for the niece to be of the age to be married, the uncle approached the niece and told her that he had the right young man for her. The teacher loved them both and thought that they would be perfect for each other. When the niece asked the uncle of this special young man that he wanted her to meet, tears came to her eyes when she was told his name.

The uncle asked his niece "why do you cry when I mention the young man's name?"

The niece replied "I know this young man and I have loved him for some time. But this young man can never marry me even though I know that he loves me."

The niece explained the ways of the world to her uncle.

After the niece spoke to the uncle, he said, "but he's such a great guy, I don't undertand."

The niece replied "yes uncle, he is such a great guy."

SD

"Life is what it is......You just have to accept it because you have no other choice." - Stone Cold by David Baldacci

2007-12-15T21:45:00.000-05:00

After a while,we started to share with some people that our son is gay. I feel that it is important to tell people in order to gauge who is genuinely our friend and who is not. Those who may feel disdain, or who talk about our family behind our back, are not worthy of having a relationship with us. I feel that by slowly telling a select group of people, a safety valve is released, our world of supportive friends and family grows, and we can move forward feeling comfort in the fact that our son is accepted by those people who remain important in his life. Those who are not accepting will be deleted from our simcha list.

The reactions of the people I have told have been quite surprising, but maybe because I have been selective in my choices. The first person I told was a women who works closely with me. When she saw me after my son came out to us, she asked what was the matter. I replied that I felt that I was just run over by a tractor. When I explained why, she responded that this was the same expression that her best friend used when she found out that her son was gay. I told a good customer of mine and he told me what life was like in his family once his older brother came out. These were not the reactions that I expected.

My wife has been more reluctant to tell people. She has told a few of her good friends and the reaction is tearful and understanding.

There is one reaction that has been elicited by a few of her friends that is actually quite disconcerting. That reaction is "Oh well, it's his choice."

It's his choice?

Do you think he wants to limit his career choices...because it's his choice?

Do you think he has to worry about losing his job.....because it's his choice?

Do you think he should walk in fear in some neighborhoods...because it's his choice?

Do you think he wants to be ostracized from friends and family....because it's his choice?

Do you think he wants to lose some of his civil rights...because it's his choice?

Do you think he wants to be discriminated against...because it's his choice?

Do you think he wants to put his parents through this anguish...because it's his choice.

I think not.

SD

Check out the website of the American Psychological Association, especially on the topic of choice....www.apa.org/topics/orientation.html

"Asher Barah Sasson V'Simcha...Who Created Delight and Joy"

2007-12-12T22:13:00.000-05:00

"So are any of your children married?"

My wife owns a flower shop. As I previously wrote, we live in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood, so her clientele is mostly Jewish and primarily frum. She creates exquisite arrangements. Most of the time these arrangements are for l'chaims and weddings.

There is not a single day that goes by in which someone walks into the store and asks her if her son is seeing anyone...because they have the perfect girl for him.

Last week my wife, Michal, received a call from Israel. It was from a person who made Aliyah and who knows my son. She asked if he was dating anyone because she had the perfect girl for him. Both he and the girl are "chen" and they would really hit it off.

Not a single day goes by without being asked the question.

Not a single day goes by without dreaming about shattered dreams and what could have been.

Not a single day goes by without feeling sad.

And then, after a difficult and tearful day, he calls to find out how she is doing.

The same voice. The same boy.

She can breathe again until the next day.

SD

PFLAG-"It's like coming out over and over again each time you meet a new person."

2007-12-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

At the suggestion of Rabbi Steve Greenberg, we considered attending a meeting of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). He thought that this may be a good place to seek support even though it is non-denominational.

All of the PFLAG meetings in our metropolitan area meet on a regular basis, usually monthly, in a church. It seems as if the programs are being run out of these facilities because the church is performing a type of "chessed" or "tikun olam" community work.

At first we were uncomfortable with the idea of meeting in a church, but then we laughed to ourselves, because of the type of community in which we lived, we were sure that no one that we knew would ever come to a PFLAG meeting because of the venue. Nevertheless, when we arrived at the meeting we were a bit apprehensive about getting out of the car.

Once we made it into the building, we were greeted by a group of warm and caring people. The leaders of our group are a husband and wife team whose son came out in 1975. They are proud to claim that their son is a wonderful brother to his four other siblings as well as being a fine person and a great uncle to all of his nieces and nephews.

Like any self help group, you go around a room and everyone tells their tale. Some stories are quite sad and some are amusing. The president of the group relates her story of her daughter who is now 30 with 2 adopted children. She tells us about her daughter's teenage years with all the rules that were imposed on her, such as a midnight curfew, no boys allowed in the room with the door closed, etc. The mother then tells us how she never had a problem with her daughter having her girl friends have sleepovers. She claims "boy did I miss that one!"

Listening to the stories of parents who have gone through this trip as well as hearing first hand stories from gay men and women does seem to help. My wife asked one man, who appeared to be in his late thirties, "if ten years down the road, will it get any easier for me." His reply was "No. Each time you meet someone, it's like coming out over and over again."

SD

"You cannot imagine...it's like standing on the edge of a cliff..."

2007-12-02T20:40:00.001-05:00

A few days after we met with our Rav, I made contact with Rabbi Steve Greenberg. We spoke for quite a while, and our conversation was most enlightening and heart-wrenching at the same time.

I gave him information about our family's background and some information about my son. I asked him if he knew of any Orthodox Jewish support group for parents of gay children. He responded that he knew of none because Orthodox Jewish parents were reluctant to talk about this publicly, even though there are plenty of parents in a similar situation. At best, he thought that maybe people could meet on a very informal basis. As far as our case was concerned, he thought that the best course of action for us would be to attend some PFLAG meetings and do some reading about Orthodoxy and homosexuality.

We continued to talk and he asked me some more questions about my son. He asked if I still loved my son. I said I did. He asked if I support him. I said I did. He then asked me what it is that I was having a problem with. I replied that I was having terrible guilt and anguish because of the suffering that my son has been facing since it became evident to him that he is gay.

He replied, "you cannot even imagine what he has been going through. Imagine yourself standing at the edge of a cliff, knowing that you must step off and not knowing what your fate will be. Imagine repeating this every time you tell someone that you are gay."

My heart broke.

Rabbi Greenberg then recommended that I read an article that he wrote in 1993 for Tikkun Magazine. He wrote this article under an assumed name because he had not yet come out. After reading the article I had a deeper understanding of the struggle that our children face as they come out of "the wreckage of life as (they) wanted it to discover life as it is."

The article is entitled "Gayness and God" and can be found at www.indegayforum.org/news/printer/26750.html

"Do not judge your fellow man until you have been in his position" Pirkei Avot 2:5

2007-11-28T23:41:00.001-05:00

We live in a predominantly Jewish community with a large Orthodox affiliation in the North East part of the country. Like the old joke, we are actually members of three shuls, the one my wife likes to go to, the one I like to go to, and the one I attended when I was in aveluth.

About 10 days had passed and the chagim were finally over.

Having not received any answers we decided to seek counselling from the shul rabbi where I attend. It is a large congregation of 750 frum families. As is the case in most communities, it is moving farther and farther to the right. Nevertheless, we decided to meet with the rabbi of this congregation. He has known our family for almost twenty years and because he tends to such a large constituency we felt that he has the most experience in pastoral work. We figured (and we know of a few cases) that he has "seen it all" from where he sits.

When we sat down in his study we explained that everyone was healthy, but that we had a different and difficult situation to discuss. We told him that our son told us that he is gay. The rabbi looked at us, took a deep breath as his face paled, and sat in silence for a few long minutes.

When he broke the silence he said "you have such a fine young man as a son. How he must have been in tremendous turmoil over the last few years. It is your job to help him get through these tough times."

Then a small smile crept over his face. He said that before we came to see him, he was meaning to call us because he thought that he had the perfect girl for our son.

We talked for quite a while. We discussed our other children. My wife inquired about calls that he might receive for references on our other children. He responded that it is not an issue.

He went on to relay to us that he sees all kinds of problems and issues in the community.

Our rabbi then quoted from Pirkei Avot and taught us that a basic tenet of halakha is that we can never actually be in a position to judge our fellow man because it is virtually impossible to ever have the same experience, backgound, culture and genetics of our fellow man.

He was not helpful in terms of finding resources for us, but he was helpful in offering us his guidance. We ended the meeting with him asking us to relay to our son that he should feel free to call him at any time. He reiterated that we have fine children and we will get nachos from them, each in their own way and in their own time.

For a brief moment, we felt better.

SD

Searching for Answers

2007-11-27T22:10:00.000-05:00

Our son does not live in the same city that we do, so after the first two days of Sukkoth were over, he returned to his home and my wife and I were left searching, questioning, wondering if this was real or a dream.

Who could we turn to? Who could we trust? Who could guide us? Who had answers? Is there an organization that caters to the Jewish community? Is there a self-help group that can guide us through these times and answer our questions?

The only organization that I could find was PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays). But this is an international group that is primarily non-denominational.

In terms of Orthodox Judaism and homosexuality I came up short. The only link that I could find was the work done by Rabbi Steven Greenberg. I found his email address at CLAL, the organization where he works. I wrote him, asking him some questions, but I did not get a reply. I assumed that because it was Chol Ha-Moed he might be away and not answering his emails.

So many questions. No place to turn.

My wife and I would lie awake and relive our life with our child from childbirth to this day, wondering how we missed the signs and signals. Many nights I cried myself to sleep with such a deep sorrow that our son had to suffer by himself. For how many years did he live in turmoil and question his self-worth, his religiousity, the acceptance or rejection by his parents, siblings, friends. If he would have been physically ill, we would have been by his side, helping him get through his ailment.

But we were not there for him when he needed us the most.

SD

A Family Changed Forever

2007-11-25T19:00:00.000-05:00

Our family was irrevocably changed on the second day of Succoth, a few months ago, when our child told us that he is gay. Even though we suspected that may be the source of his depression over the last several years, the words which he spoke, "OK I am gay," cut through to our innermost being. From that moment, our family as we knew it, no longer existed.

It is now eight weeks later and there are times when it all seems to have been just a dream when I heard those words uttered "OK I am gay."

He is still the same warm, bright and loving son that he has always been. That has not changed. We love him and we have pledged to always support him in all of his endeavors.

So why does it hurt so much?

SD