Saturday, August 14, 2010

"Gay until proven straight." - Naomi Toby

It's time for a little reality check......thanks to my children!

We were sitting around the Shabbos table with two of our daughters, my eldest daughter who is visiting us from Israel and my youngest child who is home from camp for week before she returns to Stern College.

The topics of discussion were varied and sometimes intense, and very often they center around the "shidduch crisis" and of course, being gay and Orthodox.

It is a sad commentary of our time that so many marriages of young people are dissolving after a relatively short period of time.

Being a single-minded person, I made a comment that maybe some of these marriages are dissolving because one of the partners are gay (since I now view everything through "gay lenses").

It was at this point that my youngest daughter looked at me and said that I paint everything with the same "gay" brush.

She then stated that my motto should be "Gay until proven straight."

Be well.

Saul David


Ben Lewis said...

It sounds like your daughter might be right. One aspect of more and more frum jews coming out is that suddenly the guy/girl who isn't married by a certain age, or whos marriage has dissolved, is suspected of being gay. It's a hard life being a gay frum jew, as you are aware, and I wouldn't wish that challenge on anyone. Perhaps it's best if we take somethings on face value and just assume that it didn't work out. If two gay guys break up, does that make one straight?
In the frum world the reason these marriages often don't work out is because a) people don't get to know each other well enough while dating; b) they feel pressured to get married quickly (which causes a); c) they don't have access to proper role models who will teach them to push through the hard times. People want romance and when they realize the non-perfect side of marriage they are quick to jump ship.
Ben Lewis

Saul David said...

Actually, I agree with you 100%. Sometimes, as we sit around the table, I throw out "outrageous" remarks to elicit a response.
As the father of 4 young adults between the ages of 21 and 30, I am acutely aware of the pressures of dating (especially those placed on our children by us)and the unrealistic expectations portrayed to our kids by the media.
Several months ago, after a heated discussion with one of my daughters about dating, my son turned to me and said "why don't you start a blog about her"?
Thank you for your response.

Ben Lewis said...

Well, since you have roots deep into the shidduch world as well as the gay/frum world, let me ask you something (and if you've addressed this in the past, I'm sorry. I only found your blog a few days ago):
What do you think about the Gay shadchunus sites? For instance, and samesexshidduch. I've only really looked into QS, but it just seems a bit sketchy. Thought I'd throw that out there, try and get your opinion.

Saul David said...


I did not know that Gay shidduchin sites even existed. I will examine them, but I will check with my son to see what he and his friends think of it.
Mt primary concern is for the well-being of my son and his peers.
I am curious as to how you came across this blog. Are you a parent?
You know we can have a confidential email conversation away from the public's view.
I can be reached at

Jay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Questioning Yid said...

For some time after I came out, I did exactly the same thing myself. You'll get over it. Your brain's just taking time to rearrange a few synapses. Congratulations! You've got a gay interior decorator. ;-)